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It wasn’t quite as wacky as that week where Appalachian State worked Michigan in The Big House, but there weather delays, last play delays, and the occasional Hail Mary to revel in as the chaos that is college football conducted its annual rollout.

Here’s your first week guide to the weird, the whiny, and the most messed up uniforms since Maryland broke out those medieval getups a few years ago.

  1. Texas – What does burnt orange smell like after it gets burned that badly? Boy, this season is going to be an ugly affair, particularly after next week’s “respite” against Rice, which is now being referred to as a must-win game in some quarters (like the Dallas Morning News). Advice to Longhorn Nation: back away from Charlie Strong. Your program was a mess, and it’s not going to get right for another year or two.
  1. LSU – Where The Hat toils, on-field chaos usually follows. Now, chaos has taken a turn in B.R.  Things have been crazy off the field, what with players leaving and players getting arrested (including the former starting quarterback, whose little bit of chaos may have contributed to his being the new #2 QB). It’s a good thing they got a week to warm up on a cupcake before playing two huge SEC West games.  Sorry, make that, it’s good they got two series to…never mind.
  1. Stanford – The Cardinal have been making sparks fly for years now.  Unfortunately, those sparks you saw flying on Saturday were caused by the chassis of their wagon bouncing off the ground as the wheels came off of it.
  1. Nebraska – Stressed about the Hail Mary? Yep, that’s the ticket. Giving up 511 yards while killing off a 30-year win streak is no big deal at all.
  1. BYU – Sometimes chaos is your friend. Winning that way in Lincoln was rather enjoyable for the wholesome people of Provo. Losing Taysom Hill – again – not so much. Life can be incredibly unfair, but is it really chaotic if it happens three out of four years? And now, time to see how things go with a 22 year-old freshman QB.
  1. UCLA – And again, a delightful blend of good and bad chaos. The good: the entire world is now having a giant Josh Rosen freakout. Presumably, by the end of the year, the ball will simply disappear from his hand and magically teleport into a waiting receiver’s hands in the end zone. The not-so-good chaos: maybe it’s not the best of ideas to throw passes to all-conference defensive ends just for yuks.
  1. Penn State – There’s nothing like beating your in-state “rival” for the first time since before World War II to shake things up. Congratulations, Temple. This might be the right time to ask the rhetorical question: Is Christian Hackenberg really the first pick in the next NFL draft? Rhetorically speaking, the answer is no. Of course, getting sacked ten times in one game didn’t help matters either, did it?
  1. Washington State – Pick one: (a) The rain isn’t very friendly to the Air Raid, or (b) Power Five teams should not lose to middling FCS schools. Ever. We’re going with (b), and we’re also wondering how much longer Wazzu will be a Power Five school. That sounds unthinkable today. In a couple years, it’ll be plenty thinkable.
  1. Vanderbilt – ” Hello. American Athletic Conference. How may we help you?” “Hi, AAC! This is Vanderbilt calling, and we’d like to discuss…” “Please hold while we transfer your call to the Sun Belt.”
  1. Texas Tech – Pat Mahomes is the second coming of whichever Mike Leach quarterback you like, and life is ducky again in Lubbock. Kindly ignore the 637 yards surrendered to an FCS team – a good one sure, but the mind reels at the thought of what Arkansas, TCU and Baylor are about to do to them.
  1. Colorado – Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Just move along, and please do it in less than 14 seconds.
  1. Central Florida – Do you know how many wannabe Group Of Five powerhouses lose at home to Florida International? The correct answer is none.
  1. Utah State – Every season includes at least one stinker of a game that a team needs to find a way to survive, and the Aggies hung tough until that 88-yard punt return saved their day. Oh sure, this stinker was against a meh FCS squad, but it’s not like this is the Brent Guy era…is it?
  1. Tulane – Ahh, Tulane. You were modestly relevant last year. Welcome back to reality.
  1. Kansas – Give the Jayhawks credit. They hung tough, battled back, and while they didn’t get the W at home, they did show that they could be a very competitive program in the Missouri Valley Football Conference. Not a playoff team, mind you, but they could probably play .500 ball there.
  1. Wyoming – Craig Bohl was undefeated against North Dakota in his previous gig. (Okay, so they didn’t play in those years. He barely lost to anyone from FCS while at NDSU.) Perhaps he should have stayed there (and that’s a comment on the two programs, not on his coaching).
  1. Louisville (special uniform award) – The ‘Ville might have some serious talent this year, and thanks to ye olde uniforms, you’ll experience the delightful pleasure of not knowing their names. Luckily, kids these days don’t make a big deal about how things look.
  1. Virginia Tech – The good people of Blacksburg are used to something in a higher price range, and tOSU just reminded them that they’ve been placed (sans starting quarterback) in the markdown bin. A lot of programs would love to have the Hokies’ problems – wouldn’t they, Kansas?
  1. Kentucky – Suggested taunt for UK fans to direct at KU fans at next year’s Final Four: “You guys could barely compete in an FCS conference. We couldn’t totally finish in the upper half of the Sun Belt!”
  1. Tie: Florida Atlantic & Tulsa – If some Owls are felled by a Golden Hurricane in the woods and no one cares enough to hear them, do they make a sound? (And, if so, is it the sound of a yawn being stifled?)