Celebrating The Generalized Mayhem That Is College Football
For A Fiftieth Of A Century
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We can summarize what we learned from Week 8 of the season thusly: at this point, everything would be simplified if we just stuck Clemson in the SEC East and cancelled the rest of the country.
Now that Ohio State has flamed out, the chances that the B1G has joined the B12 in eating its own are about 99.999%, no? Meanwhile, the Pac-12 has given remarkable new meaning to the term “sucks.” Not that the P12 South is the worst major conference division in the history of life, but UCLA was 0-5 two weeks ago, and is now in a four-way tie in the loss column for first place. While you’re letting that sink in, contemplate the fact that literally a majority of the SEC would win the division – and quite possibly the whole conference – in a walkover.
Instead, they’re just a palooka drinking cheap hooch at the end of the bar in some booze-soaked gin joint on the wrong side of the tracks. Y’know, they used to be somebody. They used to be loved. Now, they’re just barely holding onto that dream that they’ve still got a chance to make it someday. This year’s edition of Palookaville got a whole bunch of new residents this week, along with the usual standards.read more
*In Texas, anyway. So, we opened this season using the words of LL Cool J to mock all the self-entitled programs and fan bases who are just itching to scream, “WE’RE BACK!!!” only to find out that, er, they’re not back. After that barnburner at the State Fair, Texas appears to be back. As to the rest, well, mama still doesn’t need to knock you out – you’re still on the mat. In the meantime, let’s savor the return to glory of the Horns, especially since it’s dang fun to say, “Lil’Jordan.”read more
Sorry. I love you, but I love my family a whole lot more. We'll be back in the saddle for Week 6.read more
Ahh, Fall. The leaves are beginning to turn, there’s a cool snap in the air, the kids are back in school, and your thoughts are turning to what ridiculous getup you’re going to wear for Halloween. Interestingly, this year, way too many football programs are taking the word “Fall” way too literally. Did you seriously expect Nebraska, Florida State and Virginia Tech to take the banana peel route through the first few weeks of the season? Yeah, you expected Tennessee, Arkansas, and UCLA to need a little time, but did you expect them to be this embarrassing? We could go on and on, but why not get to the mockery at hand, where we will, in fact, go on and on.read more
Ahh…September. It’s the season of optimism in college football, the time when Dear Old Alma Mater fattens up with wins against weaklings like FCS and Sun Belt programs. It’s especially the time for optimism for those programs who’ve grabbed the hot hire of the off-season, the perfect fit for their program, the hometown hero who was destined to lead the program back to glory, or the can’t miss 18 year-old quarterback who skipped his senior year of high school but previously repeated eighth grade so he could be more physically mature in high school. Boy, has that all turned ugly fast.read more