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Celebrating The Generalized Mayhem That Is College Football
For A Fiftieth Of A Century


The Chaos Index, Week 4: Some People Are Taking The Start Of Fall Way Too Literally

Ahh, Fall. The leaves are beginning to turn, there’s a cool snap in the air, the kids are back in school, and your thoughts are turning to what ridiculous getup you’re going to wear for Halloween. Interestingly, this year, way too many football programs are taking the word “Fall” way too literally. Did you seriously expect Nebraska, Florida State and Virginia Tech to take the banana peel route through the first few weeks of the season? Yeah, you expected Tennessee, Arkansas, and UCLA to need a little time, but did you expect them to be this embarrassing? We could go on and on, but why not get to the mockery at hand, where we will, in fact, go on and on.

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The Chaos Index, Week 3: The Ugly Starts Early

Ahh…September. It’s the season of optimism in college football, the time when Dear Old Alma Mater fattens up with wins against weaklings like FCS and Sun Belt programs. It’s especially the time for optimism for those programs who’ve grabbed the hot hire of the off-season, the perfect fit for their program, the hometown hero who was destined to lead the program back to glory, or the can’t miss 18 year-old quarterback who skipped his senior year of high school but previously repeated eighth grade so he could be more physically mature in high school. Boy, has that all turned ugly fast.

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The Chaos Index, Week 2: How ‘Bout Them New Coaches?

They were all hired because things weren’t going so well back at Dear Old U, and they were just so brilliant in their previous jobs. (Well, except for Dana Dimel. We have no idea what UTEP was thinking when they hired him, but then, they’re UTEP.)

Even though patience is a virtue, and we know it’s going to take time to get everything back on track, they’re already taxing our virtue. For example, two games in, the local fishwrapper has declared Willie Taggart’s honeymoon is over in Tallahassee. So, let’s take a look at the absurdities surrounding college bawl, starting with the places where it’s worst.

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The Chaos Index, Week 1: Don’t Call It A Comeback

Like LL said, they’ve been here for years. (Here being the middle of the pack and a third-tier bowl game.) They, of course, are the Longhorns, Canes, and Nittany Lions, who all keep threatening to pull out their jammy, but instead just wind up watching January football in their jammies. And whaddya know – Maryland and LSU done knocked them out. App State was just a close call in Ambivalent Valley, but give it time. Some Buckeyes and Spartans might go blaw!

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The Chaos Index, Preseason 2018: A Tay Banging Off-Season

More than anything else around here, we absolutely love to mock the stupid, self-absorbed nonsense that comes with giving a bunch of alleged adults millions of dollars to teach 18-23 year-olds how to play a game. So, before we get all serious, let’s talk about the tOSU assistant coach who was taking pictures of his junk inside the White House and then sending them out to some “friends” because that’s what you do when you’re taking penis pics at the White House. Nice! Of course, his lawyer swears they’re not pictures of his magic wand; they’re pictures of somebody else’s schwantzenst├╝cker next to his tie, wedding ring, and a towel bearing the presidential seal.

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The Chaos Index, Final Regular Season: S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!

With a shocking one-year hiatus from the usual mayhem in Austin, 2017 was the year the SEC returned to its alleged place atop the college football hierarchy, with two teams in the playoff, and five truly colossal trainwrecks atop this hot mess right here! You can’t actually make up some of the insane nonsense that went down in the land of Sankey. (And that pun writes itself, doesn’t it?) Seriously, where else could you get a coach melting down about alleged death threats in his presser and negotiating his buyout a week later during a rivalry game…and still not have the biggest pile of pandemonium in the conference? Chaos…it just means more in SEC Country!

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