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Celebrating The Generalized Mayhem That Is College Football
For A Fiftieth Of A Century


The Chaos Index, Week 3: The Ugly Starts Early

Ahh…September. It’s the season of optimism in college football, the time when Dear Old Alma Mater fattens up with wins against weaklings like FCS and Sun Belt programs. It’s especially the time for optimism for those programs who’ve grabbed the hot hire of the off-season, the perfect fit for their program, the hometown hero who was destined to lead the program back to glory, or the can’t miss 18 year-old quarterback who skipped his senior year of high school but previously repeated eighth grade so he could be more physically mature in high school. Boy, has that all turned ugly fast.

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The Chaos Index, Week 2: How ‘Bout Them New Coaches?

They were all hired because things weren’t going so well back at Dear Old U, and they were just so brilliant in their previous jobs. (Well, except for Dana Dimel. We have no idea what UTEP was thinking when they hired him, but then, they’re UTEP.)

Even though patience is a virtue, and we know it’s going to take time to get everything back on track, they’re already taxing our virtue. For example, two games in, the local fishwrapper has declared Willie Taggart’s honeymoon is over in Tallahassee. So, let’s take a look at the absurdities surrounding college bawl, starting with the places where it’s worst.

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The Chaos Index, Week 1: Don’t Call It A Comeback

Like LL said, they’ve been here for years. (Here being the middle of the pack and a third-tier bowl game.) They, of course, are the Longhorns, Canes, and Nittany Lions, who all keep threatening to pull out their jammy, but instead just wind up watching January football in their jammies. And whaddya know – Maryland and LSU done knocked them out. App State was just a close call in Ambivalent Valley, but give it time. Some Buckeyes and Spartans might go blaw!

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The Chaos Index, Preseason 2018: A Tay Banging Off-Season

More than anything else around here, we absolutely love to mock the stupid, self-absorbed nonsense that comes with giving a bunch of alleged adults millions of dollars to teach 18-23 year-olds how to play a game. So, before we get all serious, let’s talk about the tOSU assistant coach who was taking pictures of his junk inside the White House and then sending them out to some “friends” because that’s what you do when you’re taking penis pics at the White House. Nice! Of course, his lawyer swears they’re not pictures of his magic wand; they’re pictures of somebody else’s schwantzenst├╝cker next to his tie, wedding ring, and a towel bearing the presidential seal.

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The Chaos Index, Final Regular Season: S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!

With a shocking one-year hiatus from the usual mayhem in Austin, 2017 was the year the SEC returned to its alleged place atop the college football hierarchy, with two teams in the playoff, and five truly colossal trainwrecks atop this hot mess right here! You can’t actually make up some of the insane nonsense that went down in the land of Sankey. (And that pun writes itself, doesn’t it?) Seriously, where else could you get a coach melting down about alleged death threats in his presser and negotiating his buyout a week later during a rivalry game…and still not have the biggest pile of pandemonium in the conference? Chaos…it just means more in SEC Country!

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C’est La TV: College Football Is About To Change A Whole Lot More Than You Realize

If you’ve worked in media for a while, you’ve seen a boatload of what we lovingly call “consolidation” over the last couple decades. For those of us who’ve seen enough consolidation, what’s happening with college football looks awfully familiar, and we know what’s about to change.

Everything. Okay, not everything, but enough major changes are coming to make what’s already happened look like minor alterations in the landscape. Get ready to watch the entire structure of Division 1 college football go through a ginormous revamp, and there will be winners and losers aplenty.

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