A few weeks ago, we gave “the schedule” the #1 spot in this hot mess because it was so freaking awful. Had we thought about it, we’d have waited until this week to rip on that bitch because what the “great powers” of college football offered us this week was, in retrospect, an effing joke. Congrats to Alabama, Auburn, Clemson, Florida State, Florida, South Carolina, and North Carolina on fending off a veritable murderers row of tomato cans on their way to Rivalry Week. Oh, and thanks for making sure this week rivaled the worst we’ve seen in ages.
In other news, the coaching carousel just got real interesting, didn’t it?
- The Schedule – Considering how many of you big name coaches pride yourselves on preparing kids to play on Sundays, you might want to remember that no one prepares for the New England Patriots by playing the Edmonton Eskimos.
- Nebraska – For a young guy, Scott Frost sure has got the non-denial denial down pat.
- UCLA – Casey Wasserman, er, the Bruins didn’t move that fast and cap Jim Mora on his birthday for nothing. It’ll be interesting to see whether they’ve locked in on Chip or somebody else.
- Florida – Remember when the Gators were a glamour program? Yeah, those days are over. Now they’re in line behind UCLA’s Wassermoney and shiny new facility. (You know: the Wasserman Center.)
- Tennessee – Remember when the Vols were a glamour program? Now they’re in line behind UCLA and Florida, so unless Chucky’s really ready to ruin his life for no apparent reason, they’ll be hiring someone who’s overachieved in the AAC.
- Ole Mess – With all these big programs looking for a new coach, the Rebs are really going to have to prostitute themselves to get their, er, man.
- BYU – Kilani Sitake is obviously a really good guy, but dang, losing at home to UMass? That’s some LSU losing at home to Troy shit right there.
- Kansas – We were going to blast Oklahoma for scheduling a tomato can like the Jayhawks, but then we remembered that KU hasn’t relocated to the Missouri Valley Conference yet, so the only choice the Sooners had was whether or not to celebrate with obscene gestures.
- Arkansas – Could be worse y’all. You’ve got one more SEC win than Tennessee.
- North Carolina – The only thing more awful than going 3-8 in your alleged breakout season is going 3-8 with two of the wins against Old Dominion and Western Carolina.
- Michigan – Never thought you’d see Jim Harbaugh in the death spiral, did you?
- Texas A&M – The Aggies aren’t having an awful season, just one that’s bad enough to get Kevin Sumlin gigged.
- Rice – The Owls used to be a solid mid-major contender. Now, they’re a team that plays in a dump that once hosted a Super Bowl.
- Oregon State – Mike Riley, come on down! Again!!!
- Delaware State – 77-6 to a 3-6 outfit like Felony State? Fire…well, whoever the coach is!
- Vanderbilt – Sucks to be the underdog in a matchup of 0-7 conference teams, doesn’t it, ‘Dores?
- Baylor – Sorry, we needed some low-hanging fruit this week, and the Bears fruits sure are sagging.
- Illinois – See above.
- San Jose State – See above with the only win against Cal Poly.
- Idaho – Always nice to bid a Kibble Dome (or whatever that airplane hangar is called) farewell to “major” college football by getting whacked by one-win Coastal Carolina.
Surely you remember ten years ago when two-loss LSU finished in the BCS top two and blasted Ohio State to win the national championship. (To be fair, both of the Tigers’ losses were in triple overtime.) Well, now that we’re looking at four teams battling for a weird-looking trophy, we don’t even need the King Of Chaos, Les Miles, to find our way to a two-loss championship contender. We’re practically guaranteed two-loss Pac-12 and Big 12 champions – Still happy you created a championship game, B12? – and it’s pretty clear that Georgia is going to fulfill the SEC East’s role of being roadkill in that championship game.
That leaves us with, what, ‘Bama, two ACC teams and maybe Wisconsin if they can finish undefeated. Since they can’t, unless Oklahoma can run the table, we’re pretty much looking at a choice between a one-win Badger team that played a worthless schedule and, say, two-loss Georgia, Notre Dame and whatever comes out of the other three power conferences. Luckily for the playoff committee, only several of those teams have been badly humiliated this year.
Oops – we forgot undefeated Central Florida. (Y’know, assuming they beat one-loss South Florida.) Anyway, that ain’t gonna happen, so enjoy the righteous mess that’s about to spill out of what now passes for rivalry week.
- Florida – At least the Gators got to see a coach everyone at UF likes. Here’s the scary part: it’s starting to look like the problem in the Boom/UF relationship wasn’t Boom.
- Tennessee – The time to end the bUTch era was four weeks ago. If it doesn’t get the Old Yeller treatment after this catastrophe… (Post-Old Yellering comment: two weeks of Brady Hoke? It’ll be like bUTch never left!)
- Nebraska – While we’re on the subject of the Old Yeller treatment, at this point, it’s not even the losing in Lincoln, it’s the incredibly ugly losing.
- San Jose State – Oh, and before we’re done, when you lose 59-14 to another one-win team, and your program has basically been dormant except for that one year under Coach Mac, maybe it’s time to accept that Bill Walsh ain’t coming back and just bag the whole thing.
- Florida State – We’re open to suggestions for a nickname for this year’s big rivalry showdown with #1 Florida. The Most Disappointing Disappointment Bowl Ever doesn’t quite to seem to do it justice.
- LSU – No real chaos in B.R. at the moment, but this being LSU, there’s still chaos everywhere in their path. While the Tigers are now 1-0 on their season-closing tour of dead coaches walking, it was beyond heelarious to hear ESPN’s droids breaking down their first season under Coach Eaux by comparing it to Nick Saban’s first year in Death Valley.
- Arkansas – Speaking of heelarious things we heard during the Battle For The Boot, we about lost our lunch over the statement that Bret Bielema is the right guy to lead the Hogs. Um…uh…wow.
- Iowa State – We say it almost every week: chaos can be your friend. Sure, the Cyclones lost this punch out, but danged if they haven’t become our favorite team to watch (and, yeah, pull for) this year. Keep bringing the noise, boys!
- Mississippi State – This week was probably a bad time for Dan Mullen to receive a rather, er, stark reminder that there’s a ceiling hanging over Stark Vegas that doesn’t exist in Gainesville.
- Illinois – Guessing they no longer love Lovie in Champaign.
- UCLA – Here’s to another exciting home win in which the Bruins gave up almost 600 yards of offense after enjoying the sight of planes dragging Fire Mora! banners around the Pasadena airways.
- Ole Mess – The rise of Jordan Ta’amu has certainly given this season an interesting hook.
- BYU – Ending your season with games against UMass and Hawaii is just another way of saying that your program no longer matters. Still loving that brilliant move to go independent, Cougs?
- Kansas – You’ve been awful for so long, KU, that we’d appreciate it if you all could take it to the next level and finish by giving up 100 points. That’s not in your last two games, Hawks. We’re asking you to truly implode and give up a Benjamin to Oklahoma and another century to Oklahoma State.
- UNC – Y’all are headed for a two-game winning streak before getting stomped by State and firing Larry Fedora! Sweet stuff, eh Heels?
- Oregon State – Could the next coach of the Beavs be one Leslie Edwin Miles? We hope not. We like The Hat and really don’t want to see his career tarnished by this mess.
- Baylor – Nice use of JerryWorld sticking that dog with Texas Tech in Arlington. Anyway Bears, at least y’all will get a second win against perpetually awful Iowa Sta…never mind.
- Duke – Remember that sudden revival of the Blue Devils football program? They’re 1-5 in the ACC, so you can forget it.
- Charlotte – This week’s entry in the Why Aren’t You Playing In The SoCon Sweepstakes. Check it out, y’all! The Niners reached double digits in points for the fifth time this year, all while playing a schedule worthy of a mid-pack SoCon squad!
- The Truly Awful – Congratulations to Georgia Southern, UTEP, Charlotte, Baylor, Kansas, Rice, Coastal Carolina, San Jose State, and Oregon State on posting a collective seven wins so far this year, almost half of them over actual FBS programs (assuming you consider Kansas and UTEP to be actual FBS programs)! We can’t remember another year with this many truly embarrassing teams, and if you can, please don’t remind us. We’d like a decent night’s sleep tonight.