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The Chaos Index, Final Regular Season: Let The Offseason Drama Begin!

Well, well, well, next season sure looks interesting already, doesn’t it? The offseason soap opera usually starts firing up right around National Signing Day – y’know, the normal one in February. Not this go-round. We haven’t even handed Tricky Nicky Satan a trophy yet, and we’re already well into the kind of chaos that makes Labor Day Weekend so much fun.

In 2019, tune in to find out the answers to all these and more!!!

  • How long until new Liberty coach Hugh Freeze lets someone besides Jesus handle his junk?
  • So now that Urban Meyer has retired, where do you think he’s headed for his next unretirement? When If USC takes one in the shorts against Fresno State on opening day, expect that rumor to start before September is warm.
  • Wherever he goes, at least Urbz won’t have Jim Harbaugh to kick around any more. Until further notice, tOSU will, of course, have Captain Khakis to kick around, but we can save that one for November…or until some B1G beat writer beats Jimbo up over it at Big Ten Media Days.
  • Kliff Kingsbury: Klassic Marriage of Tradition & Newthink or Klassic Katastrohpy waiting to happen when the nice people of Southern Kal realize that Student Body Right is no longer on the menu?
  • Chip Kelly/Scott Frost: Still geniuses or massive mistakes? (Hint: the correct answer is closer to “still geniuses,” but for laughs, feel free to tune in to the interwebs to catch up on the regular upcoming meltdowns of each fanbase’s panicky lunatic fringe.)
  • Can Seminole Nation catch up to trOJan Nation in freaking out on their head coach all offseason?
  • Which G5 program will hold its nose and hire Bobby Petrino next?

And with that, a final look back at the best messes of 2018:

  1. Michigan – Wait till next year, Buckeyes! Or the year after that. Or whenever. #RevengeTourForever
  2. Ohio State – Nice of Urbz to drag the whole university through the muck for a season only to hang ’em up a couple months after his suspension ended.
  3. Florida State – Bowl streak blown after thirtysomething years? Check. Multiple GoFundMe pages to buy out the new coach three weeks in? Check. Does Quinton Flowers have any eligibility left? You might oughta check, Willie.
  4. Nebraska/UCLA – Anybody notice that the Huskers finished 4-2? It doesn’t wipe out blowing a 10-point lead to Northwestern in the last 2:27, but the good people of Lincoln can spend the winter feeling warm and fuzzy about the facts that things are looking up in town and wayyy down in Madison. Replace 4-2 with “beat USC” and Madison with “across town,” and you have UCLA’s winter feels.
  5. USC – Let’s see: their dual threat QB who always found a way to win left early, and they replaced him with a true freshman who is God’s Gift To Pro-Style Quarterbacking. They also lost their stud running back and found themselves with sudden problems on both lines. Are we talking UCLA 2015 or USC 2018? Luckily, Lynn Swann is tone deaf, and the mood going into next season couldn’t be better. And now…the Trojans have hired Norm Chow…er…Kliff K. Welcome to UCLA 2008! It’s like they’re repeating a decade of Bruin failures all in one year!
  6. Louisville – Say what you want about the end of the Bobby P era, but giving up 295 points over their last five games was an outstanding way to help The Ville forget that the basketball team is a year out from being Pitinoed. What’s that? You say Petrinoed; we say Pitinoed – let’s call Jeff Brohm and…sorry, never mind.
  7. North Carolina – Everyone on Tobacco Road was soooo happy that Mack was back and then…the DISASTER HIRE!!! at DC. Welcome, Gerg!
  8. Connecticut – Congratulations on giving up half a hundred and 627 yards a game! Remember that whole Bob Diaco, BIA thing? The Huskies are now officially the WIH – worst in history. [Insert lame Randy Edsel pun here.]
  9. Texas Tech – We love Kirby Hocutt’s presser bit about what TTU is looking for in its next football coach. He coulda just said, “We’re looking for Mike Leach, only less batcrap crazy.” (And we won’t even get into that bit about Tech returning to elite status.)
  10. Auburn – If it seems like every season on The Plains ends in tremendous disappointment, that’s because every season on The Plains ends in tremendous disappointment. Theme for this offseason: As The Gusworld Turns. As soap operas go, it should be one.
  11. Miami – The Canes did a fine job of trying to outdo a half-decade’s worth of Auburn letdowns in one season, and while they might not have gotten ‘er done, Uncle Mark’s failure to recruit his nephew is currently the most amusing story of the offseason.
  12. The Pac-12 South – If you tried to have a division of a major conference only qualify two teams for bowl games, you couldn’t do it. Hell, there’s only one Power 5 division that only had four bowl eligible programs…except for this trainwreck. Wouldn’t it be better for all involved if the #Pac12AfterDark became the #Pac12AfterMidnight?
  13. Rutgers –  How does a coach with two winless conference seasons in his three years at the helm keep his gig? Howzabout a $10 million buyout and a $47 million athletics deficit?!? Not that joining the B1G was a mistake or anything. At this point, Rutgers upsetting Michigan would be more shocking than App State upsetting Michigan.
  14. Tennessee – It might not be the coach’s fault, but man, another year in the East cellar that ended with an asswhipping at the hands of Vandy (!) makes it pretty dang clear that Jeremy Pruitt is not Kirby Smart in orange.
  15. Oregon State – It’s like Joe Avezzano and Dave Kragthorpe never left, ain’t it, Beavs? Since everyone’s jumping on this retro coaches thing, maybe it’s time to see if you can lure Dennis Erickson away from the Salt Lake Stallions. (Yeah, that’s a real thing, and you can get season tickets for as low as $75!)
  16. Arkansas – And speaking of retro coaches, here’s your chance to bring Bobby Petrino back to the scene of the slime. C’mon – you know you want to…if only to see him ride off on a, er, Hog.
  17. Colorado – Every year, there’s one program that starts, say, 5-0, and then face plants so hard you thought they were Kansas after Mark Mangino. Congrats on being this year’s model, Buffs!
  18. Illinois – You kept Lovie Smith? You know he’s making Ron Zook look like George Halas, right?
  19. UTEP – Kansas won three whole games this year, so with one win in two years, congratulations on being the new Kansas!
  20. Kansas – Know this, Jayhawks: The Hat may be the King Of Chaos, but he’s also a winner. We love him in these parts, and we’re going to be pissed when you all f up his reputation next year. (And, on a truly ugly note, it looks like the odds of that just went through the roof.)

Alright, let’s all go grab a keg or two and get ready for bowl season, y’all!

The Chaos Index, Week 13: So Much For The Revenge Tour

It would be different if COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S WINNINGEST TEAM EVER!!! had lost on a late field goal. (Actually, it wouldn’t.) It would be different if America’s #1 Defense hadn’t been lit up like a Christmas tree. (Again, not really.) It would be different if The Victors hadn’t been favored for the first time in forever. (Okay, that’s kinda true, but that’s also kinda the point.) Anyway, the only thing different this year was the sheer brutality of the thing. Not that we considered picking Michigan for every single spot in this week’s Chaos Index, but we’d like you to pick your favorite headline from the local fishwrappers:

  • “Michigan Football: A Program That Does Not Deliver When It Matters”
  • “Michigan’s No. 1 Defense Flunks Ohio State Test”
  • “Season A Failure For U-M, Harbaugh”
  • “Harbaugh First U-M Coach To Start 0-4 vs. OSU”
  • “U-M Thrashed By OSU As Dreams Die In Columbus”
  • “Michigan Fans Stunned, Embarrassed At How Badly Buckeyes Beat Wolverines”
  • “Lee Corso Dons Winged Helmet, Picks Michigan Over Ohio State”

And with that, on to the mockery. Oh wait, one other thing: how y’all livin’ in Baton Rouge? Enjoy your 52 weeks of well-founded conspiracy theories. Hell, the 1972 Soviet basketball team is jealous of how many extra chances TAMU got.

  1. Michigan – If the question is, “If not now, when?” then the answer is, “Who the f knows?” In any event, it ain’t this year.
  2. Florida State – Come New Year’s Eve, the Noles can party like it’s 1981.
  3. USC – It’s hard to decide: it would be fun to see how many Trojan heads explode if the rumors are true and Swannie announces that Coach Clay is going to stay. On the other hand, we’re not entirely sure that the planet won’t spin off its axis if that happens.
  4. Pick Your Least Favorite Conference Championship Game – Is it the six-touchdown beatdown that Clemson is about to lay on 7-5 Pitt, the [who knows depending on which Buckeye team shows up] beatdown that tOSU is about to lay on Northwestern, or the Pac-12 Whatever Fest?
  5. Virginia – It takes a really special effort to lose 15 in a row to your archrival, and fumbling the ball in overtime while you’re on the way to the winning touchdown is awfully special. Or especially awful. Your choice, Hoos.
  6. The Pac-12 – Guess who’s not going to the playoffs…next year.
  7. Arkansas – And with that, so ends the first 10-loss season in Hog history.
  8. Nebraska – Must. Learn. To. Finis
  9. North Carolina – Go ahead, make a run at Clay Helton. It would be nice to have a non-douchebag leading your program for a change.
  10. Wisconsin – Presumably, we call that a Paul Bunyan’s Axe Kicking.
  11. Tennessee – Losing to Vandy…again? While getting smoked even worse than the last two years? That’ll inspire lots of happy offseason thoughts about where the Jeremy Pruitt era is leading.
  12. UCLA – Best 3-9 season ever?
  13. Texas Tech – Kliff, we’d say that we hardly knew ye, but we know ye, and ye will be golden once ye return to offensive coordinating.
  14. Oregon State – The mind reels at the thought of how ugly the Civil War woulda been if Justin Herbert had been able to play the whole game. On the other hand, letting two Ducks run for 199 and 187 yards is pretty freaking ugly.
  15. Connecticut – Randy Edsall v2.0 is sorta like Bobby Petrino v2.0, but without the Heisman Trophy winner.
  16. Louisville – Speaking of Petrino v2.0, we continue to assert that y’all should just keep rehiring him so that you can keep blaming him for your remaining humiliations in 2018.
  17. Arizona – If there was a program that did less with more this year, we don’t know who it is. Hold up. What’s that you say? You’re right – it was Florida State.
  18. Auburn – We’ve run out of ways to ask War Eagle Nation how thrilled they are about that extension Gus got.
  19. Kansas – Did you enjoy The Hat’s opening presser, Hawks? Trust us: you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
  20. Rutgers – 1-11, and welcome back Chris Ash!!! We’d say we’re speechless, but we never shut up, so who’d believe us?
  21. Northwestern – One more time: have fun explaining to tOSU how you won the B1G West by three games.