We can summarize what we learned from Week 8 of the season thusly: at this point, everything would be simplified if we just stuck Clemson in the SEC East and cancelled the rest of the country.
Now that Ohio State has flamed out, the chances that the B1G has joined the B12 in eating its own are about 99.999%, no? Meanwhile, the Pac-12 has given remarkable new meaning to the term “sucks.” Not that the P12 South is the worst major conference division in the history of life, but UCLA was 0-5 two weeks ago, and is now in a four-way tie in the loss column for first place. While you’re letting that sink in, contemplate the fact that literally a majority of the SEC would win the division – and quite possibly the whole conference – in a walkover. Florida, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Texas A&M, and Auburn are all maneuvering for fourth-best status Down South, and they’d pound that mess into submission. That leaves Notre Dame, and we’ll get to them below.
Cue the Foo Fighters playing The Pretender as we survey the flotsam and jetsam who are allegedly contending for a natty.
- The P12 – For years, we’ve been mocking the whole Pac-12 After Dark thing. We were wrong, Larry Scott. By all means, hide the entire conference after dark. In fact, hide it after midnight.
- Ohio State – 49-20 to Purdue? The Bucks have been Iowa-ed again, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer coach! Enjoy the Rose Bowl.
- Oklahoma – The Sooners don’t really have a defense, which was okay this week since TCU doesn’t really have a quarterback.
- USC – With three losses, the trOJans obviously aren’t going anywhere other than the Las Vegas Bowl, but since everyone and his uncle still has them winning the P12 South – and what an accomplishment that would be – we’re wondering how far we are from Lynn Swann pulling the whoopee cushion out from under Clay Helton.
- Michigan – It’s cute to see all those projections showing The Victors winning the B1G East. Tell us all about it after Captain Khakis finds a way to beat tOSU for the first time. Meanwhile, just keep saying, “If Notre Dame gets in, and if we win out, and if if if if if…”
- Texas – Google “Texas Longhorns are back” and enjoy the over nine million results that appear. In the meantime, the Horns can win out…and then enjoy a grudge rematch against OU. That should be fun.
- North Carolina State – BTW, on the whole Clemson question, what else do you need to know other than the fact that the Tigers just smoked their “most serious competition” in the ACC 41-7?
- West Virginia – You lost. To Iowa State.
- Florida – Technically, the Gators are still alive. Plus, they beat LSU. Georgia will fix all that this coming Saturday. Plus, y’all lost to Kentucky. That still counts for something.
- Kentucky – Yeah yeah yeah, we know, you’re still in it, Cats. Give UGA time. They’ll get to you the week after they relegate Florida to the Pac-12 South.
- Iowa – No offense, Hawks, but your nonconference schedule was NIU, UNI, and ISU, and your conference schedule is S-H-I-T. Take a seat and start scheduling some real September games.
- Washington State – Technically, the Cougs are still alive too. Factually, they’re just biding time until their second loss. That said, it was fun seeing Ol’ Crimson on Game Day, so thanks for that.
- Cincinnati – The Bearcats are the surprise team of the first half! They’re also going to be the surprise flameout of the second half, or did you notice that they still have quality time with UCF and USF coming up? Can you say fourth place in the American East?
- UCF – It ain’t fair, Knights, but you’re not going there.
- Notre Dame – So, when the SEC doesn’t get three teams into the playoff, guess who’s joining the party! (Who d’ya think the Irish could possibly lose to: USC? Felony State?) Oh, and guess who’s going to crash out of the party like they did that time they made the BCS championship game?
- Oregon State – And now, to deal with a few random matters of extreme ugliness that we just couldn’t ignore, starting with the Beavs who lost by six touchdowns (at home, no less) to the team that just handed UCLA its first win in a 30-point blowout, also at home. Very unimpressive!
- Florida State – The ‘Noles are 4-3 and almost bowl eligible – how exciting for them! Too bad, the last five games include three top-10 teams and a truly pissed off North Carolina State.
- Kansas – It remains impossible to leave out our favorite little disaster. We’re prepared to overlook those two wins against the dregs of FBS in order to savor the carnage that will come when the Jayhawks finish with Texas and Oklahoma.
- UConn – If you’re actually giving up half a hundred points a game (!) and your only win is against Rhode Island (by a touchdown), you belong in anything that includes “chaos” in the name.
- UTEP/San Jose State – Big ups to you folks too! Now that Nebraska’s on the board, you’re America’s last hopes for a winless season. You’re also just like Florida & Kentucky. How? The next two weeks are huge! If SJSU can find a way to not get by UNLV this week and UTEP can fail against Rice next week, we could be looking at 0-24 “paradise!”
Instead, they’re just a palooka drinking cheap hooch at the end of the bar in some booze-soaked gin joint on the wrong side of the tracks. Y’know, they used to be somebody. They used to be loved. Now, they’re just barely holding onto that dream that they’ve still got a chance to make it someday.
This year’s edition of Palookaville got a whole bunch of new residents this week, along with the usual standards.
- Nebraska – With UCLA off the skids, the Huskers are this year’s gold standard for not being golden, and what a way to lock down the top spot: with a collapse for the ages against Northwestern! Like Jay-Z, they’ve got 99 problems…or at least yards worth of problems.
- Wisconsin – Speaking of Nebraska, the Badgers are just like the 70’s and 80’s and 90’s Huskers, pounding everyone into submission and having an occasional Heismany running back. Unlike those Huskers, they’re never going to win a natty. Ever.
- Arizona – Not gonna lie: yours chaotically thought Khalil Tate was bound for a Heismany year, especially since the Cats have the worst defense in the history of life, meaning the other guys would be scoring faster than the Chip Kelly blur in Eugene, so he’d get more possessions than the average Tua. Maybe next year, ankle willing.
- West Virginia – Not gonna lie: yours chaotically never believed in West Virginia and still doesn’t. That said, IOWA STATE?!?!? (And yeah, we know they do that to somebody every year.)
- Georgia – It is at this juncture that we point out that LSU got outphysicaled by Florida. Have a nice cocktail party, y’all.
- Central Florida – We agree with y’all: this poop’s getting ridiculous. Still, you’re not going to be allowed to be contenders. Ever. Sorry.
- Pac-12 – Good night, sweet princes, and congrats on once again having your marquee game kick off at 10:30pm Eastern!
- Oklahoma State – Sayyyy, Pokes…you realize you’re one Kansas away from last place in the Big 12, right?
- Auburn – Sayyyy, Tigers…you realize you’re one Arkansas away from last place in the division you won last year, right?
- Arkansas – The mind boggles at what might have happened if Gus had gone home in the offseason. Chad Morris is really good, but lotsa luck digging out from this mess.
- Washington & LSU – Suddenly, those Auburn games look a lot less impressive, though the Tigers get a chance to make the ultimate statement in a few weeks. Good luck with that.
- Penn State – Under James Franklin, the Lions sure are Britneylike. Say it with me: oops, they did it again.
- Louisville – Remember when Bobby Petrino was a combination of genius and a-hole? Now, he’s just an a-hole.
- Miami – It’s easy to root for Mark Richt, but it’s far more fun to mock all the jackasses screaming, “The U!!!” when they talk about their beloved alma mater. Enjoy what’s left of this season, friends!
- Cal – Weren’t you guys ranked and undefeated a couple minutes ago? Lose this week, and you’re going winless in the P12. (And here you thought UCLA had problems.)
- North Carolina – If we were all in third grade, we’d be calling UNC to remind them that cheaters never prosper. We’re not, so let’s all call Chapel Hill to remind them that people who are jackasses regarding concussions and CTE never prosper.
- UNLV – Yeah, the Rebels are never going to be contenders, but things are an amazing mess in the 702.
- Colorado – So much for that burst back to first in the P12. That said, if you haven’t caught Laviska Shenault’s act yet, you need to remedy the situation immediately…even if you need to stay up past midnight to do it.
- Tulsa – How in the name of Nebraska, did you all not pull of the big upset? You do realize that getting run on by Blake Barnett is like getting outphysicaled by Kansas, don’cha?
- Kansas – Yeah, we know. Two whole wins. Still, a Chaos Index without Kansas would be like a Congress without liars.