Okay, so we’ve now spent the last three weeks asking, “Are ya sure that this season isn’t just a rerun of last year?” Texas still appears to be back, but we’re not 100% sure that’s the case. Notre Dame still appears to be back, but they really aren’t. How the Harbaugh thing isn’t working out in Ann Arbor, we have no idea, but it isn’t. The Chip Kelly, Jeremy Pruitt, Willie Taggart, and Chad Morris things aren’t working out either.
Oh, and the Scott Frost thing seems to be gaining traction, but that’s only if you ignore the four turnovers and near loss against Illinois, where nothing ever works out.
Finally, congrats Pac-12 on seeing your last best playoff hope sink slowly beneath the horizon. Yeah, we know, Wazzu. We crashed early, so yeah, they’re still unbeaten and a threat…right? Anyway, there’s always Cal. And that’s the funniest thing we’ll ever say. Ever.
- UCLA –
Typical UCLA, getting blown out 49-17 midway through the 3rd quarter and giving America an opportunity to call it a night early.C’mon now, we’ve told you that chaos can be your friend, and if coming back from 32 down while giving up infinity yards in total offense isn’t happy chaos, we don’t know what is.
- Michigan – 40 yards on the ground in a key game? Yep, that’s Michigan football! Here’s hoping Coach Khakis can save his gig by leading the crew to bowl eligibility.
- Tennessee – Whatever you do, do not blame those two picks on Jarrett Guarantano. On the other hand, you can blame getting your ass kicked up one wall and down the other in your rivalry game on pretty much everybody wearing orange and white.
- Arkansas – You lost to San Jose Freaking State?!?!? Maybe it’s time to join the Sun Belt.
- Stanford – At this rate, they’ll be chanting for the return of Buddy Teevens before long in Palo Alto.
- North Carolina – Think of it this way, Heels: you got pantsed by App State when they were a Sun Belt team. Michigan got done by the Mountaineers when they were a SoCon program, which is…uh…pretty much the same thing really. Anyway, Clemson will be fun, right?
- Florida State – Boy, is getting destroyed by North Carolina State going to be embarrassing.
- Illinois – Giving up 674 yards of offense is typically not how one wins football games. On the other hand, playing football for Illinois is also typically not how one wins football games.
- Notre Dame – Now that Texas is back (more or less), the Irish are now America’s Not Quick Back Yet Team. And going to the playoff and getting your head handed to you does not mean you’re back; it means you play an overrated schedule.
- UCF – Welcome back to being a really good second-tier program, y’all! Enjoy the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Bowl or whatever.
- USC – Nice win, trOJans! In fact, we’d say it was a killer win. Best news of all for y’all: with wins like that, Clay Helton isn’t going anywhere. By the by, you got any quarterbacks left?
- Utah – Speaking of (1) UCF and (2) that nice USC win, it’s satisfying to see that the Utes have found their level; they’re a good team. A very good team. Oh, and that dream season will be arriving sometime in the 23rd century. Maybe.
- Houston – Egg meet Cougarface. There will be more embarrassing losses this year – right, Tennessee? – but there won’t be a more humiliating finish.
- Arizona State – Congrats on seeing your exciting, breakthrough season go down the drain.
- Louisville – Is there anything more humbling than losing to Florida State?
- San Diego State – No offense to Utah State, but after this week, just combine our comments about Utah and Arizona State and stir.
- Rutgers – If only UMass were on the schedule, like, eleven more times.
- UMass – When you give up 207 points to maybe the worst four-game schedule in the history of life, it’s time to either drop down a division or drop the program altogether. That October 26th “showdown” with UConn is going to be the new Toilet Bowl.
- Connecticut – If only Wagner were on the schedule, like, eleven more times. Make it ten; there’s that exciting October 26th game, and who would want to miss that?
- Fansville – That UCLA hanger-on who got popped for 15 yards for a sideline violation during a 100-yard kickoff return thinks that Dr. Pepper Fansville campaign is lame. He’s right.
If the SEC is going to put two teams in the College Football Playoff, it’s going to need to have two Power 5 conference champions spend title season crying into their coffee. We already know the identity of one: the Mountain West, which, along with its Group of 5 bitch, the Pac-12, will not be playing in a bowl game of note this year. (This is particularly true since, with the Pac-12 champ playing in Pasadena on New Year’s, the Granddaddy Of Them All will not be a bowl game of note this season.)
Other than that, as weeks go, this was about as uninteresting a schedule as you get this time of year, what with all the excitement that happened when…when…uh, yeah, we don’t know either. So, with that, let’s move on to our weekly dose of disdain, which is – shock! – highlighted by…
- The Pac-12 – Pick your favorite P12 calamity: the amazing, resurgent trOJans of USC, whose New Savior got picked in overtime; the amazing collapsing supergeniuses of Stanford who got hospital-jobbed by Central Florida; Colorado, which followed up that big win over Nebraska by pratfalling against Air Force (but is there really any shame in losing to a superior conference?); the six ranked teams(!), all of them clustered near the bottom of the polls (except for Utah); or, you can just go with the team that played a roadie in their own arroyo and gave up something like 18 yards per play in the first half.
- UCLA – Give the Bruins credit for two things: (1) making Jalen Hurts play into the fourth quarter and (2) passing Tennessee as the most embarrassing program in college football at the moment.
- Florida State – That overtime win against Louisiana-Monroe is looking more and more like a fluke, isn’t it?
- Tennessee – A win! Actually, a shutout, blowout win! Just make sure not to moc the opponent. Don’t look now, but Georgia State just lost to Western Michigan by the nailbiting score of 57-10.
- Georgia Tech – We’re not sure which loss was more embarrassing: The Citadel or Miami.
- USC – Pick your favorite L.A. newspaper headline: “Anatomy Of A Loss” or “Big Step Back.” Here’s the anatomy of y’all’s big step back: you totally overvalued that thrilling Stanford win and you’re playing a true freshman a quarterback. Here’s our favorite line from the local fishwrapper: “[Clay Helton’s] program is in a death spiral and there is nothing he can do to stop it.” Fight on!
- Virginia Tech – It sure woulda been humiliating to lose at home to Furman. Holding on to beat them by a touchdown? Not that much better, now that you mention it.
- Stanford – If you’ve been paying attention – really paying attention – for the last few years, the Cardinal have looked like the This Is Fine dog, sitting in a burning room not worrying about the fire. One assumes that being down 38-7 at the half might have woken up somebody in Palo Alto. After all, they’re really smart over there. Aren’t they?
- Michigan State – Mark Dantonio’s done a lot of great stuff in East Lansing, but Sparty’s looking more and more like the Stanford of the Midwest every day, especially after losing to ASU.
- Purdue – And finally, we have the Boilers, who are looking like a mini-Michigan State at the moment and wondering if maybe just maybe they shoulda helped Jeff Brohm go home.
- ILLinois – If you’re wondering who history’s worst 2-1 team is, here’s your answer.
- Pitt – Lessee…down seven points to your rival with five minutes to go and it’s 4th and goal from the 1? Your quarterback is having a career day, so of course you…try a field goal? The Panthers got exactly what Pat Nardizzy deserved.
- UNLV – We still can’t figure out why the Rebs have a football program. Y’know, unless it’s to allow unpaid college football players to come to town and dine on a 99-cent shrimp cocktail or something.
- Colorado State – Remember when the Rams were a serious mid-major power? If not, they’ve kindly stuck the name of Sonny Lubick on their shack to remind you.
- Miami – See Tennessee. Substitute Bethune–Cookman for UT-Chattanooga.
- Florida – We’re undefeated! We just lost our starting QB for the year!
- Syracuse – The Orange were Clemson’s trap game this year. No, seriously! So much for that, though if you’re looking for a sign that Clemson might Clemson this year, the Tigers couldn’t even pound the ‘Cuse as bad as Maryland did, and the Terps just got themselves blown up by Temple.
- North Carolina – A “non-conference” loss to Wake Forest that wasn’t nearly as close as the score makes it look? So ends the glorious tale of Mack Brown’s miracle comeback season in Chapel Hill. Oh, and so begins the tale of the ACC, which would look worse than the Pac-12 if it weren’t for Clemson.
- Boston College – Now, that looked like a Steve Addazio coached team getting blown off the field at home by 20-point dog Kansas on Friday night! Big ups for just being yourselves, Boring College! Speaking of KU…
- Kansas – We say it all the time: chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It was quite the treat to see The Chaosmaster himself, Les Miles, leading the Hawks to almost 500 yards of stunningly balanced offense on the road against an alleged Power 5 opponent. If they somehow get a single W against the run of West Virginia, TCU, Texas and Oklahoma, we’re nominating him for sainthood.