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The Chaos Index, Week 5: Certified Genuises* – Mack Brown & Chip Kelly
*And yeah, we meant to spell it that way, so get off our backs, genuis!
Brilliance is underrated. Just ask Mack Brown, whose team was pretty much better than Clemson all day and decided to go for two when an extra point would have forced overtime, and then picked a gimmicky option play against a defense that’s as fast and well-coached as any in the game. Or you could ask Chip Kelly, who must have decided that the guy who had two 90+-yard scores last week needed a rest, since he sat him for the majority of the Bruins’ pratfall against a truly awful Arizona team.
While we wait on the meltdowns that will follow next week’s sure-to-be-genteel Auburn-Florida and Tennessee-Georgia throwdowns, we humbly offer these kind thoughts on the state of the college football disunion.
- Tennessee – When is a bye week not very restful? When you spend the week thinking to yourself, “If Florida worked us by 31 last week, what kind of a hospital job is Georgia about to lay on us?” Maybe that’s why so many UT players have volunteered for the transfer portal.
- North Carolina – Really, Mack? You were playing at least as well as Clemson and you played the endgame like you were a Sun Belt program?
- Nebraska – New nickname for the Huskers: The Not Ready For Prime Time Players. Uh oh, Adrian Martinez just threw another pick.
- UCLA – Memo to Chip Kelly: a dumb guy would just keep feeding the rock to his best playmakers, but you’re wayyy too brilliant for that, huh? We did, however, like the line on College Game Day about how, over the last bunch of years, UCLA is 2-4 after being down 30 in a game, while the rest of college football is 0-414.
- Georgia Tech – The Jackets get a mention if only because we can’t remember the last time we saw a team end with exactly two points. We can, however, remember the last time we saw Tech lose – last week. Against The Citadel.
- Washington State – When your own coach calls you “fat, dumb, happy and entitled,” you have a problem. At least he didn’t also say, “We’re a very soft team…We like to pat ourselves on the back, and if we get any resistance, we fold.”
- USC – Guess whose fanbase is going to have had a major meltdown by the time you’ve read this. Look on the bright side, trOJan Nation: you still have a healthy quarterback and you’re definitely not going to lose next week. (Unless, of course, somebody important gets hurt in practice.)
- Michigan – There isn’t much that’s funnier than all the “Michigan got healthy against Rutgers this week” that we had to listen to. Whatcha wanna bet Michigan gets decidedly unhealthy when we get to the Penn State/Notre Dame portion of the schedule?
- Rutgers – Congratulations on being the team that Michigan got healthy against. Frankly, your friendly neighborhood Captain’s dear old alma mater isn’t looking so healthy right now. Would you all mind showing up in our crib next Saturday?
- Arkansas – San Jose State has lost to Tulsa & Air Force, and they’ve beaten Northern Colorado and…you. You’re on your way Hogs! (Oh sure, you’re on your way to the Sun Belt, but who’s counting?)
- USF – In exciting news, the Bulls will double their win total against UConn next week. In less exciting news, Charlie Strong is going to make somebody a really good D coordinator next year.
- Virginia Tech – Three drives in, Duke had ten yards and ESPN was reveling in the glory of Bud Foster. Boy, that sure ended fast.
- Cal – Congratulations on being this week’s Pac-12 Team Whose Dream Season Went Kabloeey Of The Week.
- Michigan State – You don’t usually have a sinking feeling about a team that’s 4-1, but when they just slinked by Indiana and have a tOSU/Wisconsin/Penn State run on the agenda, a sinking feeling feels a tad overly optimistic.
- Maryland – Apparently, the Terps have a “recruiting rivalry” with Penn State, as in, ““Maryland having so many big-time schools nearby, they would have loved for the game to be on Saturday.” Considering they lost 59-0 with 128 yards of offense, it’s a good thing the game was on Friday.
- Purdue – The good ship Brohm has hit a reef.
- UConn – As humiliations go, 56-21 was pretty typical. Just think Huskies, just 357 days until your next win against Maine! Probably.
- BYU – It’s not every year you can say, “Yeah, we beat Tennessee and USC, but then we lost to Toledo,” so that’s something for Mom to be proud of.
- Pitt – Congratulations on playing Delaware tighter than Central Florida.
- UNLV – How nice of the Rebs to show up in the great state of Wyoming just in time for a bloodletting! This act is going to look sooooo good in the new yard next year.
The Chaos Index, Week 4: Say Hello To The Not-So-New Normal
Okay, so we’ve now spent the last three weeks asking, “Are ya sure that this season isn’t just a rerun of last year?” Texas still appears to be back, but we’re not 100% sure that’s the case. Notre Dame still appears to be back, but they really aren’t. How the Harbaugh thing isn’t working out in Ann Arbor, we have no idea, but it isn’t. The Chip Kelly, Jeremy Pruitt, Willie Taggart, and Chad Morris things aren’t working out either.
Oh, and the Scott Frost thing seems to be gaining traction, but that’s only if you ignore the four turnovers and near loss against Illinois, where nothing ever works out.
Finally, congrats Pac-12 on seeing your last best playoff hope sink slowly beneath the horizon. Yeah, we know, Wazzu. We crashed early, so yeah, they’re still unbeaten and a threat…right? Anyway, there’s always Cal. And that’s the funniest thing we’ll ever say. Ever.
- UCLA –
Typical UCLA, getting blown out 49-17 midway through the 3rd quarter and giving America an opportunity to call it a night early.C’mon now, we’ve told you that chaos can be your friend, and if coming back from 32 down while giving up infinity yards in total offense isn’t happy chaos, we don’t know what is. - Michigan – 40 yards on the ground in a key game? Yep, that’s Michigan football! Here’s hoping Coach Khakis can save his gig by leading the crew to bowl eligibility.
- Tennessee – Whatever you do, do not blame those two picks on Jarrett Guarantano. On the other hand, you can blame getting your ass kicked up one wall and down the other in your rivalry game on pretty much everybody wearing orange and white.
- Arkansas – You lost to San Jose Freaking State?!?!? Maybe it’s time to join the Sun Belt.
- Stanford – At this rate, they’ll be chanting for the return of Buddy Teevens before long in Palo Alto.
- North Carolina – Think of it this way, Heels: you got pantsed by App State when they were a Sun Belt team. Michigan got done by the Mountaineers when they were a SoCon program, which is…uh…pretty much the same thing really. Anyway, Clemson will be fun, right?
- Florida State – Boy, is getting destroyed by North Carolina State going to be embarrassing.
- Illinois – Giving up 674 yards of offense is typically not how one wins football games. On the other hand, playing football for Illinois is also typically not how one wins football games.
- Notre Dame – Now that Texas is back (more or less), the Irish are now America’s Not Quick Back Yet Team. And going to the playoff and getting your head handed to you does not mean you’re back; it means you play an overrated schedule.
- UCF – Welcome back to being a really good second-tier program, y’all! Enjoy the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Bowl or whatever.
- USC – Nice win, trOJans! In fact, we’d say it was a killer win. Best news of all for y’all: with wins like that, Clay Helton isn’t going anywhere. By the by, you got any quarterbacks left?
- Utah – Speaking of (1) UCF and (2) that nice USC win, it’s satisfying to see that the Utes have found their level; they’re a good team. A very good team. Oh, and that dream season will be arriving sometime in the 23rd century. Maybe.
- Houston – Egg meet Cougarface. There will be more embarrassing losses this year – right, Tennessee? – but there won’t be a more humiliating finish.
- Arizona State – Congrats on seeing your exciting, breakthrough season go down the drain.
- Louisville – Is there anything more humbling than losing to Florida State?
- San Diego State – No offense to Utah State, but after this week, just combine our comments about Utah and Arizona State and stir.
- Rutgers – If only UMass were on the schedule, like, eleven more times.
- UMass – When you give up 207 points to maybe the worst four-game schedule in the history of life, it’s time to either drop down a division or drop the program altogether. That October 26th “showdown” with UConn is going to be the new Toilet Bowl.
- Connecticut – If only Wagner were on the schedule, like, eleven more times. Make it ten; there’s that exciting October 26th game, and who would want to miss that?
- Fansville – That UCLA hanger-on who got popped for 15 yards for a sideline violation during a 100-yard kickoff return thinks that Dr. Pepper Fansville campaign is lame. He’s right.
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