Ahh 2018, the Golden Era of College Football when the genius of Chip Kelly had returned to college football while the genius of Scott Frost had been elevated to major college football (sorry UCF), and the genius of Jim Harbaugh would finally be on display. Or not.
Two weeks into the 2019 go-round, we’re pretty much back to where we were 12 months ago with one little add-on that’s catapulted past the rest of the trainwrecks currently deserving of our mockery, so let’s get to the mocking. Cool with you, Vol Nation?
- Tennessee – There’s no shame in losing to BYU. There’s a poopload of shame in giving up a 68-yard play with :06 on the clock to set up the game-tying field goal at home before losing in overtime a week after having your world turned upside down by Georgia State who barely snuck by Furman at home this week. The good news is that the last time Big Orange started 0-2, they won a natty…ten years later. So, you’ve got that to look forward to, Vols.
- UCLA – Nice to see the Bruins lose to traditional power San Diego State for the first time in the history of life. Not sure exactly when Chip Kelly lost his mojo, but it’s gone, and next Saturday, Oklahoma’s coming for his very soul, so that’s going to be fun.
- Nebraska – Are the children of the corn still the trendy pick in the B1G West? Is ScoFro still a genius?
- Florida State – Congrats on the big one-point overtime win at home against Louisiana-Monroe! Even bigger congrats on only being a touchdown underdog to…Virginia.
- That Texas-Texas A&M Non-Rivalry Rivalry Renewal – Y’all both put up quite the fight, so big ups for that. That said, just assume that you’re the rivalry that no one outside of Texas cares if they ever see again.
- Michigan – Can you feel everything falling apart on Captain Khakis again this year? If not, the good people of Wisconsin will be delighted to give you the feels in two weeks.
- Virginia Tech – We like Justin Fuente, but if you can’t feel everything falling apart in Blacksburg after the Hokies barely squeaked by Old Dominion, just wait until they get to Notre Dame.
- Arkansas – Welcome to Fayetteville, home of the team that finishes 2019 last in the SEC West. Isn’t it nice to settle who gets the cellar in Week Two? Have fun with ‘Bama, LSU, Auburn, and TAMU, Hogs!
- Vanderbilt – Welcome to Nashville, where the big question is whether the clock runs out on Derek Mason in October, November, or December.
- Miami – If you’re old enough, watching the ‘Canes almost win again had to leave you hearing Maxwell Smart saying, “Missed it by that much!” in your head.
- Syracuse – So much for the return of the Orange. If we didn’t know any better, we’d think that wearing orange and playing college football just don’t mix. Unless you’re Clemson, of course.
- FAU – So much for the glorious Lane Kiffin era in Boca.
- FIU – So much for the second glorious Butch Davis era in Miami.
- USF – Charlie Strong deserves better. Sometimes we don’t get what we deserve.
- UMass – We’ll spare you the “mass of [expletive deleted]” comment and simply note that, if you’re getting blown off your home field by an FCS program, you probably belong in FCS (or Division 2), instead of trying to dine at the grownup table.
- UConn – On a similar note, if you’re getting handled at home by an FCS program like Illinois, you’re going to finish 1-11. Wouldn’t UConn-UMass make a smashing end-of-season rivalry game in the Northeast Conference?
- UNLV – If you’re getting blown off your soon-to-be-old-field by Arkansas State, perhaps you should just shut things down until the new field opens next year. Not that the football will be better, but the view will be. (Of course, the parking will suddenly be really expensive, so enjoy looking forward to that, Rebs.)
- Oregon State – Just four weeks until that exciting throwdown with UCLA in Pasadena! Given reduced attendance expectations, maybe the game should be moved from the Rose Bowl to Pasadena High.
- Kansas – How do you think the good folks at Coastal Carolina feel about beating a Power 5 program? Sorry Les, but it’s going to be a loooong haul in Lawrence.
- DBU – We’re sick of hearing about the blathering about DBU from, well, everybody who’s blathering about DBU. Special note to last week’s Austin combatants: if the final score of your game was 45-38 with 880 combined passing yards, maybe you want to put those DBU t-shirts away.
The magic of Week One is that it’s that special time of the season when somebody is humiliated badly. Really badly. Like so badly that it’s time to consider putting DIckRod in charge of your program. So, who do you think is this year’s version of Michigan playing Appalachian State? Your choices are: Tennessee, the entire Pac-12 conference, Tennessee, UConn, Tennessee, UCLA, Tennessee, the Helton family, or…Tennessee!
Do you get the impression 2019 is going to be a bad season for second-year coaches?
- Tennessee – Congrats on your worst loss in recorded history, Vols! Want to see what a deer in the headlights looks like? Watch this video and enjoy seeing John Adams, a veteran columnist who’s seen everything trying to put his eyeballs back into their sockets. Oh, and in case you weren’t clear on the concept, Jeremy Pruitt ≠ Kirby Smart.
- The Pac-12 – Remember when the P12 was talking about kicking games off at 9am local time? Maybe they should be aiming for something more fitting for their look, like 2am kickoffs. It’s not just that Oregon blew it against the sixth-best team in the SEC, it’s that nobody – nobody – had anything that even vaguely resembled a signature win, y’know, give or take the Washington schools mopping the floor with New Mexico State & Eastern Washington.
- Florida State – Your friendly neighborhood Captain was driving around, streaming the first half of the game. As the Noles scored on their first four possessions, their radio team was terrifyingly close to achieving a Kendall Briles-induced orgasm. Here’s guessing that scoreless second half sounded more like the morning after walk of shame.
- UCLA – Ever had root canal? If you’re a Bruin fan, you “enjoyed” a spectacular example on Thursday, but don’t worry, things will get better. Next year. Probably. No really – Chip’s got this.
- VaTech – Starting the year by getting pantsed by the powerhouse that is BC is not exactly the recipe for an enjoyable Autumn. If either of the two tomato cans who are next up on the schedule rises up, things are going to get extra ugly real fast.
- Western Kentucky – Central Effing Arkansas? This doesn’t look like a good year for the Helton family, does it?
- USC (West) – Yo Clay, you realize that depth charts are just propaganda, right? Here’s a nutty idea: when your gig is on the line, it’s probably not a good idea to put out a depth chart that sticks a nearly-unknown true freshman second at quarterback while cordially inviting the one kid besides your starter who’s got some starting experience – and looked pretty good doing it – to enter the transfer portal by listing him fourth. Of course, as long as the starter doesn’t go down for the season in the first half of the first game, it’s no big deal, right? Fiht on!
- USC (East) – Some guys are just not cut out to sit in the big chair. If you’re a defensive “genius” whose team blows a two-score fourth quarter lead by giving up two drives totaling 193 yards total, you’re probably one of those guys. Sorry, Boom.
- BYU – If you think the nice people of Provo are too wholesome to flip out over being a .500 program, you haven’t sat in a stadium with them. After nine straight Holy War losses, it’s just a matter of time before they put down the Jell-O and pick up the pitchforks and torches.
- Nebraska – It beats starting 0-6, but scratching out a win while being thoroughly outplayed by South Alabama tells you that ScoFro Year Two is going to be a little less magical than everyone expects. Luckily, there’s four whole weeks to fix the offense before Ohio State time.
- Purdue – Anybody else notice that Jeff Brohm is now below .500 in West Lafayette?
- UConn – Way to man up and pull out a win in a tight game against…Wagner? And now that the Huskies’ annual win is behind us, buckle up y’all.
- Auburn – That was a tremendous, compelling comeback win against a top-quality opponent. Better still, Bo Nix looks like he’s already played about six years of college ball. How much you wanna bet that the good people of The Plains are still going to be melting down about Gus because they shoulda won by 30?
- USF – Congratulations on staying within seven touchdowns of Wisconsin!
- Missouri – Welcome to Columbia, Kelly Bryant! It’s going to be a loooong year.
- San Diego State – Picture spending part of a beautiful Labor Day Weekend in San Diego watching the Aztecs “host” Weber State. Picture being treated to a 6-0 barnburner. Picture deciding that maybe it’s time to just burn down The Murph, The Q, or whatever it is they’re calling their barn these days.
- Minnesota – Barely sneaking past South Dakota State makes it clear that, whatever boat they’re rowing, the Gophers have taken on a few leaks.
- Oregon State – Are you shocked to learn that Jonathan Smith is not the answer either?
- Iowa State – As FCS programs go, Northern Iowa’s pretty dang good. That said, when you start the season ranked for the first time since the Pleistocene, you can’t play with fire like that.
- Iowa Fans – Get a load of this: in a Twitter survey of who was going to win the national championship tallied by state, most states picked the obvious, Clemson or Bama. Sure, the good people of Louisiana, Georgia and Florida tilted to their schools. Guess who else did that? Iowans? Apparently, the chronic was knee high by July this year.