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The Chaos Index, Week 1: It’s Humiliation Time!
The magic of Week One is that it’s that special time of the season when somebody is humiliated badly. Really badly. Like so badly that it’s time to consider putting DIckRod in charge of your program. So, who do you think is this year’s version of Michigan playing Appalachian State? Your choices are: Tennessee, the entire Pac-12 conference, Tennessee, UConn, Tennessee, UCLA, Tennessee, the Helton family, or…Tennessee!
Do you get the impression 2019 is going to be a bad season for second-year coaches?
- Tennessee – Congrats on your worst loss in recorded history, Vols! Want to see what a deer in the headlights looks like? Watch this video and enjoy seeing John Adams, a veteran columnist who’s seen everything trying to put his eyeballs back into their sockets. Oh, and in case you weren’t clear on the concept, Jeremy Pruitt ≠ Kirby Smart.
- The Pac-12 – Remember when the P12 was talking about kicking games off at 9am local time? Maybe they should be aiming for something more fitting for their look, like 2am kickoffs. It’s not just that Oregon blew it against the sixth-best team in the SEC, it’s that nobody – nobody – had anything that even vaguely resembled a signature win, y’know, give or take the Washington schools mopping the floor with New Mexico State & Eastern Washington.
- Florida State – Your friendly neighborhood Captain was driving around, streaming the first half of the game. As the Noles scored on their first four possessions, their radio team was terrifyingly close to achieving a Kendall Briles-induced orgasm. Here’s guessing that scoreless second half sounded more like the morning after walk of shame.
- UCLA – Ever had root canal? If you’re a Bruin fan, you “enjoyed” a spectacular example on Thursday, but don’t worry, things will get better. Next year. Probably. No really – Chip’s got this.
- VaTech – Starting the year by getting pantsed by the powerhouse that is BC is not exactly the recipe for an enjoyable Autumn. If either of the two tomato cans who are next up on the schedule rises up, things are going to get extra ugly real fast.
- Western Kentucky – Central Effing Arkansas? This doesn’t look like a good year for the Helton family, does it?
- USC (West) – Yo Clay, you realize that depth charts are just propaganda, right? Here’s a nutty idea: when your gig is on the line, it’s probably not a good idea to put out a depth chart that sticks a nearly-unknown true freshman second at quarterback while cordially inviting the one kid besides your starter who’s got some starting experience – and looked pretty good doing it – to enter the transfer portal by listing him fourth. Of course, as long as the starter doesn’t go down for the season in the first half of the first game, it’s no big deal, right? Fiht on!
- USC (East) – Some guys are just not cut out to sit in the big chair. If you’re a defensive “genius” whose team blows a two-score fourth quarter lead by giving up two drives totaling 193 yards total, you’re probably one of those guys. Sorry, Boom.
- BYU – If you think the nice people of Provo are too wholesome to flip out over being a .500 program, you haven’t sat in a stadium with them. After nine straight Holy War losses, it’s just a matter of time before they put down the Jell-O and pick up the pitchforks and torches.
- Nebraska – It beats starting 0-6, but scratching out a win while being thoroughly outplayed by South Alabama tells you that ScoFro Year Two is going to be a little less magical than everyone expects. Luckily, there’s four whole weeks to fix the offense before Ohio State time.
- Purdue – Anybody else notice that Jeff Brohm is now below .500 in West Lafayette?
- UConn – Way to man up and pull out a win in a tight game against…Wagner? And now that the Huskies’ annual win is behind us, buckle up y’all.
- Auburn – That was a tremendous, compelling comeback win against a top-quality opponent. Better still, Bo Nix looks like he’s already played about six years of college ball. How much you wanna bet that the good people of The Plains are still going to be melting down about Gus because they shoulda won by 30?
- USF – Congratulations on staying within seven touchdowns of Wisconsin!
- Missouri – Welcome to Columbia, Kelly Bryant! It’s going to be a loooong year.
- San Diego State – Picture spending part of a beautiful Labor Day Weekend in San Diego watching the Aztecs “host” Weber State. Picture being treated to a 6-0 barnburner. Picture deciding that maybe it’s time to just burn down The Murph, The Q, or whatever it is they’re calling their barn these days.
- Minnesota – Barely sneaking past South Dakota State makes it clear that, whatever boat they’re rowing, the Gophers have taken on a few leaks.
- Oregon State – Are you shocked to learn that Jonathan Smith is not the answer either?
- Iowa State – As FCS programs go, Northern Iowa’s pretty dang good. That said, when you start the season ranked for the first time since the Pleistocene, you can’t play with fire like that.
- Iowa Fans – Get a load of this: in a Twitter survey of who was going to win the national championship tallied by state, most states picked the obvious, Clemson or Bama. Sure, the good people of Louisiana, Georgia and Florida tilted to their schools. Guess who else did that? Iowans? Apparently, the chronic was knee high by July this year.
The Chaos Index, Week 0: Uncle Urban Sez Welcome Back To 2011
Greetings intrepid college football fan! It feels pretty damn good to finally have our Saturdays totally booked with something more riveting than Aunt Ida’s Tupperware party, doesn’t it?
Oh, and welcome to UrbanWatch 2019! It’s just like the last time Mr. Magic hung ’em up, er, “retired” eight years ago!
So…how’s your favorite program doing these days anyway? If your answer is, “Pretty dang good,” you’re hanging on Urbz’s every word. After all, he could take you all from good to super great!
If your answer is, “Meh,” well, you know.
If your answer is something along the lines of, “Dang, our coach is a massive disappointment,” you just know Jesus With A Whistle could fix your guys, and you’ll deal with whatever arrests happen at a later date. Oh, and if you’re a Clemson or ‘Bama fan, you’re really not concerned about any of this, right? Y’know, unless He ends up at Florida State or Auburn, which would totally not bother you at all.
Nope. Not a bit.
All season long, our Eyewitness News Crew will be updating the latest news regarding where the completely-retired-ain’t-no-way-he’s-a-comin’-back Urban Frank Meyer III will definitely not be coaching next year. Our Action News team will be following every piddling little hint that He is returning to The Game. NewsChopper 69 will be keeping an eye out for roadblocks that may prevent Him from saving your program. Our Extreme Doppler Radar will spot every storm cloud looming over your once-beloved coach.
Let’s start the fun with a look at where things could get messiest fastest and open the door to Our Hero first. Then, we’ll spend some quality time with the other places where things are likely to get weird soon.
- USC – Face it, no program would complete Urban Liar’s unholy trinity of winning football and lots of nasty fallout like the program that gave us Cheatey Petey Carroll. Too bad, the program is on such solid ground after last year, not that the Trojans could start 0-6 this year or anything.
- Michigan – Nothing, absolutely nothing, would be funnier. Sure, it ain’t gonna happen, but let’s fantasize about Mister Meyer deposing Captain Khakis, who’s a dead man walking if they don’t beat the Bucks this year, and coming back in maize and blue. Sorry, we have to go smoke a cigarette now.
- Florida State – When Clemson face dances all over the ‘Noles in Week 7, Willie Taggart is going to be feeling a tiny bit of heat.
- Auburn – Admit it. You’d effing love to see the obscene level of nuclear meltdown that would happen if America’s two football sweethearts were part of our most fun-loving, kind-spirited rivalry. Oh, and since the Tigers are only into Gus for another $35 mil or so, why not now…or at least mid-October?
- VaTech – Just think: Beamer Ball could be followed by something a lot less wholesome if things don’t turn around soon. That said, the odds that He ends up in Blacksburg are, shall we say, limited.
Okay, and now on to the places where the odds of an Urban outfitting are zero starting with our new favorite program… - Kansas – Let’s all say it together: THE HAT IS BACK!!! [Insert trumpets blaring here] The Jayhawks will absolutely blow in Year One of the Miles era, but that’ll just be more reason to gobble a little grass and let Les be Les. We cannot wait for his first post-game presser.
- UCLA – Welcome to college football’s mystery date! The Bruins could go 3-9 again. They could pull a Cincinnati and go 11-2. Tune in in November to find out which it is, though the fact that Dorian Thompson-Robinson spent most of his high school football career stuck behind Tate Martell doesn’t inspire a ton of confidence does it?
- Nebraska – Corn Nation has decreed that Year Two is the year when ScoFro will have UCFlike success in Bugeaterland. Corn Nation may be getting a little carried away with that subpar but vaguely promising finish to last season.
- Arizona – Y’all remember when Kevin Sumlin was the quarterback whisperer who made Johnny Football a thing? Yeah, Khalil Tate doesn’t either. Mahalo!
- Arkansas – Lessee…Clemson’s rolled on without him, SMU went 14-22 under his watch, and he started 2-10 in Fayetteville. Perhaps Chad Morris is not the answer. Whoops Pig Soeey!
- Florida – In case you missed the flaming hot ball of imminent crisis emanating from Gainesville, there’s a flaming hot ball of imminent crisis emanating from Gainesville. The under/over on the explosion of the flaming hot ball of imminent crisis is three more arrests.
- Texas – Everything’s coming up Bevo in Austin, but the Horns better really be back, or things are gonna get ugly lickety split. Luckily, one or two of their running backs are healthy heading into the season and the school they open with from Louisiana isn’t LSU. The Tigers don’t arrive until Week 2.
- New Mexico – Bob Davie still has a gig because…why?
- Illinois – See New Mexico, and change Bob Davie to Lovie Smith. Cool news Illini: we hear Bill Cubit’s available.
- Rutgers – At this point, it doesn’t seem like the program is even salvageable. In better news, we hear the Knights are two-point favorites over Princeton in that reenactment of the first-ever college football game. (It figures that Rutgers can only get two points over a lower-division program, right?)
- UNLV – Exciting news! There are two eminently winnable games on the schedule this year!!! Of course, they’re also eminently losable too. That makes sense – it’s been 30 years since the Rebels have had a coach bat better than .400(!).
- USF – Let’s be clear about this: we like Charlie Strong. A lot. That said, when the previously lame upstarts an hour up I-4 are playing in BCS bowls (or whatever stupid name they’re calling them now) and your season ends before Christmas in the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl, Florida Man is not going to be happy. (At least not if he’s the kind of Florida man who’s partial to green and gold.)
- UCF – Now that expectations in Orlando are through the freaking rollercoaster – er – roof, we hate to point out that LSU burst the Knights’ bubble back on New Year’s Day, and that KZ isn’t going to be riding through that door this year (at least not without a backwards ball cap and a clipboard). 2019 ain’t gonna be a 5-7 year, but how happy will everyone who’s been a UCF diehard for a 50th of a century feel about, say, 10-3?
- Liberty – We’d feel bad for Coach Freeze and the Flames about his health issues, but we’re a little too occupied admiring the hypocrisy of Coach Freeze providing his “moral authority” to the Falwell Flock.
- The Transfer Portal – Third-string quarterbacks of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your benchwarming status…y’know, unless you get beat out for the starting job at your next school by a redshirt freshman or another grad transfer, in which case, enjoy your time at wide receiver!
Okay, before we go, here’s a brief programming note: don’t be shocked if we miss a week or three here and/or there this year. When the moving trucks show up…did I say that? Never mind.
Anyway, just know that when Urban Meyer news breaks, we’ll break it some more. #CFB150 game on, bitches!
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