Well…wasn’t that special? Round three of the Alabama-Clemson series is now officially off (until it’s reinstated in a few weeks). The state of Washington is no longer a factor (until the Apple Cup is proclaimed a national quarterfinal). Gus Malzahn is officially done at Auburn (until he doesn’t lose again before the Iron Bowl). Louisville is officially not breaking through again this year (okay, that one’s still on). Yep, there will be no Tigers, Cougars, Tigers, or Huskies in the national picture for at least one week. Oh, and the Pac-12 is clueless. Why? Read on…
Let’s hand a special dumbass award goes to whoever came up with this gem: #Pac12AfterDark. Memo to American business: not everything needs or deserves a hashtag, even if somebody else in your line of work already has one. You especially don’t need a hashtag if its only purpose to is remind people how stupid your business model is. For the Pac-12, a more accurate hashtag might be this:
- Friday – WTF, Friday? Way to make a carnage-filled Saturday look anticlimactic. Aren’t you supposed to be all about high school football?
- Tennessee – Kinda expecting that bUTch will be done by Monday morning, especially after that final sequence. Future generations of coaches will learn what not to do by watching it.
- UCLA – Look at all those four- and five-star recruits on defense! Look at the worst defense in major college football. Has anyone ever done less with more than Jim Mora and Tom Bradley? Y’know, besides Brady Hoke?
- LSU – Well that sure was an Auburn game worthy of The Hat, so it was nice to see him on the sidelines. Congrats for that, y’all, and enjoy “controlling your destiny” for the next three weeks. Here’s guessing the Tigers will lose control of everything – destiny, bowels, etc. – in Tuscaloosa after that.
- BYU – The Cougs have already lost control of everything.
- Baylor – The Bears only wish they were as out of control as BYU.
- Oregon State – Well, that was a peppy week, what with Gary Andersen doing the right thing financially and then dumping on his crew on the way out of Dodge City.
- Nebraska – You have to feel for the Huskers and for Mike Riley. Anyway, he can be back in Corvallis in a couple months, but maybe we’ve figured out an even better coach for the Beavs.
- Arkansas – Bret B is an expert on the subject of coaches leaving programs in a huff, so you have to figure he’s Corvallis-bound.
- North Carolina – When you’re two weeks from going 1-8 and your best option is to start Brandon Harris at quarterback, you’re out of options. Y’know, except for the one that starts with, “For the good of the program…”
- Louisville – Which is scarier, Cards: Losing to Boring College or knowing that Bobby Petrino is the moral lodestar of your revenue programs?
- Michigan – Congratulations on barely avoiding your most embarrassing loss since Appalachian State. Enjoy your time in Unhappy Valley next week.
- Florida State – Y’know that ESPN College Football Playoff promo with CGI Jimbo Fisher talking about how every program’s got a chance? They really need to edit that out.
- USC – Get ready to edit Tommy Trojan out of that promo too. How the wheels haven’t fallen off their wagon yet is beyond your truly.
- Florida – Didja think we’d ever get to a point where the Gators were basically irrelevant? (Except for those gawdawful unis, of course.)
- Illinois – Funny, but it seems like no one at the four-letter thought about including a CGI Lovie Smith in those promos. Why is that?
- Pitt – Remember when the Panthers were a serious player on the national scene? Okay, so you’re old. If you’re merely middle-aged, you may barely be aware that Pitt even has a football program. Well, they do, and it’s really awful.
- Kansas – It’s called low-hanging fruit. We intend to continue to pluck it as long as the Jayhawks keep looking helpless against the Iowa States of the world. (45-0? Seriously?)
- East Carolina – Congratulations on joining the world of low-hanging fruit and making the UCLA defense look like it’s…oh hell, the Bruin defense is still an embarrassment.
- Ole Mess – A bye week is a nice time to relax and perhaps play a little golf, isn’t it? Here’s hoping no one was in a foursome with a hooker. (Whaddya mean this wasn’t a bye week? You played Vandy, didn’t you?)