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So, uh, yeah. They played some football on Thursday and Friday and then a bunch more on Saturday. And, basically, nothing happened. The only two games between ranked teams were blowouts, so if you hate USC or Michigan, you got a thrill.

Beyond that, it was mostly blah “showdowns” between programs that should mean a lot but don’t (oh hello, UCLA and Oregon), the general maiming of programs that have stopped meaning a lot (Tennessee and, surprisingly, Michigan), and crap like the “Big Ten” game between Rutgers and Purdue.

With that, here’s your weekly dose of mockery. It’s guaranteed to be vaguely more interesting than last week’s games.


  1. Tennessee – bUTch turns 50 in less than three months! 50 is a good time for a career rethink, and he should have the time to focus on his next move. 
  2. USC – Sam Darnold for Heis…never mind.
  3. Michigan – Didja ever think anyone – much less Michigan men – would question Jim Harbaugh’s mojo? 
  4. North Carolina – The Heels have taken “breakthrough season” to a new level. As in, boy are they broken.
  5. Free Shoes U. – The ‘Noles get to spend a year as the pre-2016 Chicago Cubs, repeatedly uttering the magic words, “Wait till next year.” But hey y’all – you’re ahead of Wake Forest in the Atlantic!
  6. BYU – It’s gotten so bad in Provo that your friendly neighborhood Captain didn’t notice the Cougs had played until Sunday morning. I woke up and thought I’d have to write something snarky about their bye week.
  7. Texas – Now the ‘Horns have even lost the top spot on the “Don’t you know who we are?!?!?” self-righteous anger rankings to USC. Uneasy lies the head coach whose quarterback throws a completely pointless INT in overtime.
  8. Oregon – 14 points against the worst defense in major college football? (And no, Kansas does not play major college football.) Did the Willie Taggart revival happen due to one great quarterback? Stay tuned…
  9. Ole Mess – And now Shea Patterson is done for the year? Boy, is this season ever a bust, though Jordan Ta’amu sure is a hustler.
  10. San Diego State – This is what it looks like when your dreams turn to tears in two short weeks. The Aztecs are about to find out what bowl is even less consequential than the Las Vegas Bowl.
  11. UCLA – And wherever they go, they’ll likely find the Bruins waiting for them (assuming they can scrape two more wins out of Josh Rosen’s and Jim Mora’s farewell seasons). Hello Chip, are you ready for some more Pac-12 football?
  12. Baylor – How many ways are there to say the word “karma”?
  13. LSU – Wow! Two nice wins in a row! Now, cue the Jaws music for November 4th.
  14. Nevada – It’s not that the Pack should abandon all hope – after all, they’ve still got UNLV and SJSU coming up. They should just abandon almost​ all hope.
  15. Kansas – 88-0 in your last 120 minutes? C’mon y’all, you can make it to a point a minute average if you really try!
  16. Oregon State – On the plus side, none of the remaining coaches lashed out during the bye week. On the negative side, everything else.
  17. San Jose State – 1-7 with losses to BYU and Nevada still on the schedule. Mike MacIntyre really is a miracle worker, isn’t he?
  18. Georgia Southern – The 0-6 Eagles are this week’s entry in the “Why are you up here?” sweepstakes. Didja even noticed they fired whoever was their coach?
  19. ULL/Wyoming – There’s nothing wrong with Mark Hudspeth and Craig Bohl pulling a combined $2.75 million a year. Nope, nothing at all.
  20. The Schedule – Exactly two games between ranked teams and both were brutal. Yep, this is what we signed up for as fans.