Select Page

Well, things sure got interesting this week, didn’t they? While bUTch Davis, Mike Riley, Larry Fedora, and Jim Mora have all been bleeding out slowly, the nice people in Gainesville decided to treat a minor scrape with a chainsaw. Makes you wonder what the real deal is between the Gators and Jim McElwain, doesn’t it? (Okay, so here’s one guy who says, “Later, Gator!”)

Meanwhile, Iowa State and Khalil Tate are taking a chainsaw to the natural order of things, and we presume that the Pac-12 is planning to show next week’s big showdown between Mister Tate & The Khalilaires and USC at 11:30pm Pacific on Cloo TV. And now, let’s meet our bloodied masses!

  1. Iowa State – Good chaos is a thing, and hot effing damn, the Cyclones are making this season more fun than it otherwise should be. At this point, y’all deserve to be #1 somewhere besides America’s hearts, so here we are!
  2. Khalil Tate – Speaking of the good kind of chaos, dude is a freaking one-man wrecking crew, or did you notice that he ran for more yards in October than anyone has in the last decade – that includes running backs. Has anyone ever launched a Heisman campaign a month into the season and won?
  3. Florida – Give the Gators credit for running a true speed offense, considering the way Jimmy Mac’s gone from zero to “negotiating a settlement” in nothing flat.
  4. #Pac12AfterDark – I hate to put on my media guy hat here, but here’s a lesson for the jokers at the P12 office. #MACtion works because it roughly translates to: “You wouldn’t watch this game on Saturday, but on Tuesday? It’s golden.” See, it’s a gift to the masses. No matter how much lipstick you all try to put on your pig, #Pac12AfterDark translates to: “Our marquee game of the week is kicking off at 11pm on the East Coast, but please, please, please stay up until 2:30am to watch the whole thing. Pleeeeeeeease.” It’s not a gift, it’s an admission that nobody cares.
  5. Tennessee – Just think: if the Vols can beat Southern Miss, Mizzou, and Vandy, an interim coach can lead them into the Whatever Bowl Brought To You By An Unloved Gardening Implement.
  6. Florida State – If you think losing 35-3 to Boston College is an ugly look – and it is – think about this: by the transitive power of college football, the Eagles are 15 points better than ‘Bama. Yep, the ‘Noles are now the black mark on the Tide’s season.
  7. Louisville – Surely things will get better in The Ville next year when there’s a new quarterback in the saddle, right? (For those who aren’t good at sarcasm, this is another way of saying, “Boy, did Bobby P blow an opportunity.”)
  8. Baylor – Damn, did Art Briles ever burn that house down! Next week against Kansas should be, uh, interesting.
  9. Ole Mess – Strumpets blared as the Rebs came oh so close to beating a real football team. Okay, a semi-real football team with slightly better karma than they have.
  10. North Carolina – For those who may not have noticed, there’s a football team in Chapel Hill. Well, sort of.
  11. UCLA – For those who may not have noticed, there’s a football team in Westwood, and it has several players not named Josh Rosen. The real problem, however, is that the Bruins may not currently have a functioning player named Josh Rosen either.
  12. Nebraska – Nice escape against Purdue, Bugeaters! Oh, is Mike Riley still there?
  13. Stanford – Freaking awful escape against Oregon State, Cards. Oh, is Bryce Love still there? If he isn’t y’all are going to go from 6-2 to 7-5 in nothing flat.
  14. Illinois – In case we haven’t mentioned it before, congratulations on having as much karma as Jen Bielema after a tweetstorm. Maybe Bill Cubit’s available when you cap Lovie this December.
  15. Rutgers – Why are you playing football in the Big Ten? (Sorry, we just noticed that you were playing football in the Big Ten.)
  16. Arizona State – The Sun Devils are the hottest thing in college football! Sorry, that’s last week’s headline. This week’s headline should read, “Paul Graham accepts Kansas gig.”
  17. UConn – Hell, Purdue beat Missouri by 32, and you all got your heads kicked in by 40. Didja ever think you’d be mentioned in the same sentence as Missouri State and Idaho, Huskies? Well, congrats, you’ve made it!
  18. Kansas – Naturally, in rivalry games, the records don’t matter. That must be why KU kept it within ten against K-State.
  19. Oregon State – This is really more of a season achievement award at this point, but the Beavs need something to “celebrate” besides those endless chainsaw recordings.
  20. UTEP – It’s really sad to see Mike Price’s reputation being tarnished by this mess. (Y’know, give or take Tuscaloosa.)