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It’s the conference that owns college football, having won every national championship this century, not counting the ones that Oklahoma and USC accidentally stumbled into and probably only won because they were cheating better than anyone else. This week, while Alabama’s finest were stomping Mississippi’s “finest” by a combined 115 – 13, one of Alabama’s #FunBelt teams was working LSU in Baton Rouge.  The East looks, uh, not much better.

At least there’s relief – surely, Chip Kelly is on the way! By this point, Chip’s phone (okay, his agent’s phone) is doubtless pockmarked with voicemails from desperate souls, and sure, college football’s most eligible bachelor wants to work in a conference – much less division – that includes Nick Saban. Doesn’t he?


  1. The SEC – WTF, SEC? College football’s most dominant conference is now exactly three deep, as will be demonstrated when The Leviathan stomps the boys with that good old fight into the next area code next Saturday. On the other hand, y’all have locked down the top four spots here, so you’re still large and in charge in at least one place.
  2. LSU – You hired Matt Canada to gain the benefit of his complex, confusing offense and then decided to simplify it? Come again? As the Fire Coach Eaux movement begins in earnest, we’ll say this for the millionth time: just because you’re sick of winning nine and ten games every year, don’t fire the coach unless you’re damn sure you’ve got a better option in hand. Oh, and not to be lost in the Tigers’ night of horrors, how ’bout that beatdown that Auburn put on Mississippi State?
  3. Tennessee – Sayyy Chip, didja know that #GBO doesn’t actually mean go bleed orange?  It also doesn’t mean Get Butch Out either. Well, it does this year.
  4. The Egg Bowl – It seems like it was just yesterday that the game had national championship implications. Now, it’s back to potentially having state championship implications, but East Mississippi Community College might have something to say about that.
  5. BYU – When we say that it couldn’t happen to a nicer coach, we’re not being sarcastic. If you think we’re not being sarcastic when we say that it couldn’t happen to a nicer fanbase, you haven’t been to many BYU games.
  6. Baylor – It couldn’t happen to a nicer university.
  7. USC – In case you were wondering what it looks like when the wheels come off your wagon, here you go. On the bright side, the Trojans have been on the field with the Heisman frontrunner this year. Surely you remember then hooking up with Saquon Barkley last January 1st.
  8. North Carolina – Remember when the Heels were a rising power? In three weeks, they’re going to be 2-5…assuming they don’t completely flame out against Virginia, which is entirely possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know – it’s all those injuries, and…
  9. Oregon State – Just seven more games until the Mike Riley III Era begins!
  10. Illinois – Right about now, we’re guessing that Jen Bielema has a hashtag she’d like to tell y’all about.
  11. UCLA – Sayyy Chip, didja know that Dorian Thompson-Robinson would be the perfect fit for your offense?
  12. Special Nights – While we’re on the subject of UCLA, didja know it was White Out night in Pasadena last night? Some of the fans in attendance even wore white. Memo to merch companies everywhere: we’re about done with the special uni nights that only exist to try and con us into buying more of your crap. Stop it.
  13. UTEP – Sometimes a coach gets pushed out the door and your first thought is, “Well, I hate to see anyone suffer, but that DB deserves it more than most.” That’s exactly not the case with Coach Kugs, but when you’re the first coach pushed out the door in the young season, you show up in The Chaos Index. Oh, and back to that first point about coaches who are DB’s…
  14. Louisville – Pitino rhymes with Petrino. Just sayin’.
  15. Arizona State – For sale (cheap): one slightly worn, formerly wayward coach. Buyer must remove.
  16. San Jose State – It’s a measure of how far below the radar SJSU is that no one noticed just how awful they’ve become. Losing by a combined 102-23 to Utah State and UNLV makes the case for incredibly awful.
  17. East Carolina – That “clash” with BYU in a few weeks is starting to look like the most depressing game of 2017.
  18. Nevada – At this point, the Pack’s best hope is checking to see if Colin Kaepernick has any eligibility left. Avert your eyes when they play San Jose State next month.
  19. Iowa State – College football’s Kings Of Almost There still aren’t there and never will be there, but they can celebrate another moral victory, which is nice
  20. Bowling Green – Not much to say here really, but they’re 0-5, and we just like typing “Bowling Green.”