More than anything else around here, we absolutely love to mock the stupid, self-absorbed nonsense that comes with giving a bunch of alleged adults millions of dollars to teach 18-23 year-olds how to play a game. In that light, let’s briefly mock the trainwreck at Ohio State before we get serious and discuss the alleged “leadership” of one Urban Frank Meyer III. An assistant coach who was taking pictures of his junk inside the White House and then sending them out to some “friends” because that’s what you do when you’re taking penis pics at the White House? Nice! Of course, his lawyer swears they’re not pictures of his magic wand; they’re pictures of somebody else’s schwantzenstücker next to his tie, wedding ring, and a towel bearing the presidential seal.
Massive scumbaggery massively outweighs the general stupidity of the sexually-bent members of the college football set, so it’s pretty hard to laugh at the aforementioned piece of human floatsam, considering he’s the same [alleged] scumbag who [allegedly] beat his wife and got popped for DUI. That said, before he rots in hell, we do want to point out that he had the good taste to order a WildmanT Ball Lifter Red and a Men’s Spider Enhancer Thong with Triple C-Ring and send them to the tOSU football office.
Thankfully, the season – which can never get here soon enough – really will be here soon enough, and we’ll be able to return to clowning the Coach Slingblades of the world, particularly since, by Week Eight, Coach Eaux should be starting the kid who sells popcorn in the cheap seats at quarterback. That said, here’s an opening list of where things have already gone wrong and where they’re likely to go wrong once footballs start taking funny bounces.
- Maryland – Memo to D.J. & Friends: The Junction Boys was 64 f-ing years ago. That is all.
- Ohio State – Call it the Paterno Rule: if you know somebody associated with your program is doing evil stuff – or is even suspected of doing evil stuff, just do the right thing…and, no, looking the other way is not the right thing. Hell, even The Senator thinks Urbz is clueless. Speaking of Senator Tressel, he got capped for some tats and UM3 got three games for covering for a spouse abuser? Yep, tOSU is a place of massive integrity!
- North Carolina – Speaking of places of massive integrity, check out Chapel Hill. The coach is stunningly clueless on head injuries. The players are doing Tresselian stuff with shoes. The Heels are doing a remarkable job of becoming college football’s most consistently clueless contingent.
- Florida – Welcome back to Gainesville, Dan Mullen! Now that you’re here, pick your favorite offseason highlight. Is it: (a) players [allegedly] going after a booster while packing Airsoft guns and a frying pan, (b) the booster being known as “Tay Bang,” (c) the big Bang [allegedly] giving improper benefits to your players, or (d) your wildcat quarterback rolling with an AR-15? We vote (e) all of the above.
- Baylor – A self-imposed bowl ban? That’s the best you could do? Doesn’t going 1-11 pretty much add up to a self-imposed bowl ban?
- LSU – Okay, on to the messed up football situations. One-plus year in and Coach Eaux is already on his second (or third, depending on how you look at it) offensive coordinator and his second transfer QB from the B1G. At least he’s down to two scholarship QB’s. What could go wrong now?
- Michigan – Khaki pants, on sale half-off.
- Texas – Every year, Burnt Orange Nation decides they’re back. Every year, we find out they’re wrong. So much disappointment. So much sadness. (But at least this year, we have the additional flava of wondering if Tom Herman really blew the whistle on tOSU.)
- Alabama – Yeah, yeah, yeah – the whole Tua vs. Jalen thing is college football’s ultimate first world problem, but a full season of Where Will Jalen Go? speculation might be a tad distracting, even for a Saban-coached machine.
- Arizona – Khalil Tate is going to cause a whole lot of chaos for the rest of the country. The Wildcat defense is going to cause a whole lot of chaos for the Wildcats. And then there’s this little question: how long until Kevin Sumlin starts driving off quarterbacks in Tucson?
- [Pick one] BYU/Illinois – [Pick one] Kalani Sitake/Lovie Smith is still there? Really?
- Texas Tech – Kliff Kingsbury manages to become a little less young and handsome every year, doesn’t he?
- USC – Other than (a) losing their mobile quarterback who always found a way to win and replacing him with a highly-regarded pro-style passer, (b) having a head coach who came in to meh reviews but seems to have the program on track, (c) losing a bunch of key guys on D and (d) having questions at tailback, USC 2018 bears almost no resemblance to UCLA 2015, also known as the year that started Jim Mora’s three year slide into an ESPN gig. At least, this guy ought to be a hit.
- Texas A&M – How long until the locals realize that Jimbo Fisher isn’t the massive upgrade over Kevin Sumlin that they think he is?
- Oregon – How long until the locals realize that hiring the head coach that the players want is rarely a good idea?
- West Virginia – Will Grier better be the best quarterback in America. Or else Holgo’s going to have issues. (Hint: he isn’t.)
- Arizona State – Just this.
- UNLV – Tony Sanchez is 12-24 and starting Year Five with USC, which in this case really does stand for up shit creek.
- East Carolina – It started this way. When the Scottie Montgomery era – already six wins in after only two years – doesn’t lead to his guaranteed bowl game in Year Three, you’ll be able to say, “Ficklen A, things really have become dowdy in these parts,” on his way out the door.
- Kansas – It’s hard to call them chaotic when they’ve beaten one FBS team in three years, but at some point, all hell’s got to break loose this year, doesn’t it? If they open with another loss to an FCS team, and that’s a distinct possibility with Nicholls State…