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Like LL said, they’ve been here for years. (Here being the middle of the pack and a third-tier bowl game.) They, of course, are the Longhorns, Canes, and Nittany Lions, who all keep threatening to pull out their jammy, but instead just wind up watching January football in their jammies. And whaddya know – Maryland and LSU done knocked them out. App State was just a close call in Ambivalent Valley, but give it time. Some Buckeyes and Spartans might go blaw!

  1. Texas – So, can we strip away all the illusions that t-back, er, Texas is back? Next year’s gonna be weird – the Horns won’t have their delusions of above averageness wiped out in Week One by turtles. Oh, they’ll be wiped out by somebody, just not by turtles. Turtle power!
  2. Miami – It’s a good thing LSU is on a down year, or that would have been really freaking ugly…almost as ugly as fitting yourself for the CFP right before going from 10-0 to 0-4. Anyway, that Week Five throw with UNC is starting to look like the leader for the title of ACC Disappointment Bowl.
  3. Ohio State – Nice opening win, y’know, except for the part where Oregon State’s backup QB carved up your defense every other drive. Also, your coach is still trying to BS his way out of taking responsibility for his reprehensible conduct. You all realize that’s not going to end well, don’t you?
  4. Kansas – It seems like it’s been forever since KU went winless for an entire season. After all, three years is an awfully long time. With their only FCS program now off the table, the Hawks’ best hope is probably to see if they can quickly reclassify to Division 2. Or 3.
  5. North Carolina – A clueless coach and a quarterback who opened with four picks? Sounds like a fun year in Chapel Hill!
  6. Texas Tech – Good to see the Dead Raiders’ D limit Ole Miss to 24 points. In the first quarter. Yep, things will be different this year.
  7. UCLA – Inking Chip Kelly changed everything! Sorry, make that nothing.
  8. Michigan – Landing Shea Patterson changed everything! Sorry, see above.
  9. The Pac-12 – So, now that U-Dub bought the farm against War Eagle, UCLA is just about the last conference team with a chance to make a statement…against Oklahoma…in Norman. And there go the P12’s playoff dreams…again!
  10. Week Two – Every year, we hear about the amazing neutral site Week One games. Then, every year, we sit around in Week Two watching a garbage schedule. Y’know how many games feature two ranked teams this week? One, and yep, it’s two Pac-12 teams, so enjoy your nap. Late note: South Carolina ended up #24, so we’re up to two big showdowns. Enjoy watching Georgia blast them.
  11. Colorado State – Has any team ever given up 88 points before the month of September even started? Brutal doesn’t begin to describe this.
  12. Penn State – Look out! All of the Lions big games are at home this year!! Surely, needing a couple miracles to survive Appalachian State at home doesn’t mean bad things!!!
  13. Oregon State – Sucks to lose your quarterback on a bad snap on the first possession of the game. Sucks worse to lose your entire defense before you even get to the airport.
  14. LSU – What y’all are unpacking that bleauxout of The U, don’t skip the part where Jeaux Burreaux couldn’t complete 50% of his passes, and you were one 50-yard sprint away from averaging 2.5 yards per carry. Try not to have any bad dreams about the upcoming visit to Jordan-Hare.
  15. Arizona – Khalil Tate’s Heisman campaign sure ended fast, didn’t it?
  16. Tennessee – Meanwhile, Will Grier’s Heisman campaign is alive and well after a week of cooking up Tennessee roadkill.
  17. San Jose State – SJSU lost to UC Davis. If UC Davis replaced SJSU in the MWC, would anyone even KNOW?
  18. UTEP – No one was expecting brilliance, but getting blasted by three touchdowns by an FCS school suggests the Miners are going to be staying subterranean for a looooong time to come.
  19. Temple – The Owls are back on the Kansas plan: open with a loss to a lower level school and then desperately try to find a win somewhere on your schedule.
  20. UNLV – How funny is this? The Rebs have an FCS school and UTEP the next two weeks, meaning they’re going to be the worst 2-1 team in the history of life.