It would be different if COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S WINNINGEST TEAM EVER!!! had lost on a late field goal. (Actually, it wouldn’t.) It would be different if America’s #1 Defense hadn’t been lit up like a Christmas tree. (Again, not really.) It would be different if The Victors hadn’t been favored for the first time in forever. (Okay, that’s kinda true, but that’s also kinda the point.) Anyway, the only thing different this year was the sheer brutality of the thing. Not that we considered picking Michigan for every single spot in this week’s Chaos Index, but we’d like you to pick your favorite headline from the local fishwrappers:
- “Michigan Football: A Program That Does Not Deliver When It Matters”
- “Michigan’s No. 1 Defense Flunks Ohio State Test”
- “Season A Failure For U-M, Harbaugh”
- “Harbaugh First U-M Coach To Start 0-4 vs. OSU”
- “U-M Thrashed By OSU As Dreams Die In Columbus”
- “Michigan Fans Stunned, Embarrassed At How Badly Buckeyes Beat Wolverines”
- “Lee Corso Dons Winged Helmet, Picks Michigan Over Ohio State”
And with that, on to the mockery. Oh wait, one other thing: how y’all livin’ in Baton Rouge? Enjoy your 52 weeks of well-founded conspiracy theories. Hell, the 1972 Soviet basketball team is jealous of how many extra chances TAMU got.
- Michigan – If the question is, “If not now, when?” then the answer is, “Who the f knows?” In any event, it ain’t this year.
- Florida State – Come New Year’s Eve, the Noles can party like it’s 1981.
- USC – It’s hard to decide: it would be fun to see how many Trojan heads explode if the rumors are true and Swannie announces that Coach Clay is going to stay. On the other hand, we’re not entirely sure that the planet won’t spin off its axis if that happens.
- Pick Your Least Favorite Conference Championship Game – Is it the six-touchdown beatdown that Clemson is about to lay on 7-5 Pitt, the [who knows depending on which Buckeye team shows up] beatdown that tOSU is about to lay on Northwestern, or the Pac-12 Whatever Fest?
- Virginia – It takes a really special effort to lose 15 in a row to your archrival, and fumbling the ball in overtime while you’re on the way to the winning touchdown is awfully special. Or especially awful. Your choice, Hoos.
- The Pac-12 – Guess who’s not going to the playoffs…next year.
- Arkansas – And with that, so ends the first 10-loss season in Hog history.
- Nebraska – Must. Learn. To. Finis
- North Carolina – Go ahead, make a run at Clay Helton. It would be nice to have a non-douchebag leading your program for a change.
- Wisconsin – Presumably, we call that a Paul Bunyan’s Axe Kicking.
- Tennessee – Losing to Vandy…again? While getting smoked even worse than the last two years? That’ll inspire lots of happy offseason thoughts about where the Jeremy Pruitt era is leading.
- UCLA – Best 3-9 season ever?
- Texas Tech – Kliff, we’d say that we hardly knew ye, but we know ye, and ye will be golden once ye return to offensive coordinating.
- Oregon State – The mind reels at the thought of how ugly the Civil War woulda been if Justin Herbert had been able to play the whole game. On the other hand, letting two Ducks run for 199 and 187 yards is pretty freaking ugly.
- Connecticut – Randy Edsall v2.0 is sorta like Bobby Petrino v2.0, but without the Heisman Trophy winner.
- Louisville – Speaking of Petrino v2.0, we continue to assert that y’all should just keep rehiring him so that you can keep blaming him for your remaining humiliations in 2018.
- Arizona – If there was a program that did less with more this year, we don’t know who it is. Hold up. What’s that you say? You’re right – it was Florida State.
- Auburn – We’ve run out of ways to ask War Eagle Nation how thrilled they are about that extension Gus got.
- Kansas – Did you enjoy The Hat’s opening presser, Hawks? Trust us: you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
- Rutgers – 1-11, and welcome back Chris Ash!!! We’d say we’re speechless, but we never shut up, so who’d believe us?
- Northwestern – One more time: have fun explaining to tOSU how you won the B1G West by three games.
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