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Ahh…September. It’s the season of optimism in college football, the time when Dear Old Alma Mater fattens up with wins against weaklings like FCS and Sun Belt programs. It’s especially the time for optimism for those programs who’ve grabbed the hot hire of the off-season, the perfect fit for their program, the hometown hero who was destined to lead the program back to glory, or the can’t miss 18 year-old quarterback who skipped his senior year of high school but previously repeated eighth grade so he could be more physically mature in high school.

Boy, has that all turned ugly fast. Let’s meet the unhappy masses, along with some folks who are wayyy happier than we thought they’d be at this juncture of the proceedings.

  1. Florida State – Three games in, ‘Nole Nation is 0-4. By that, we mean that there are only four GoFundMe campaigns looking to raise the $21 million to buy out Willie Taggart. (This one’s the leader in the clubhouse at $51.) Other than that, no one’s freaking out in Tallahassee. Nope, no one at all.
  2. Nebraska – We’re not aware of anyone losing their poop in Lincoln yet about Frostie, but perhaps someone should fire up a GoFundMe to try and buy the Huskers a quarterback.
  3. USC – Fans of Doomsday Preppers will find the Trojans’ flagship radio station a must listen this week as they melt down over the fact that CLAY HELTON MUST GO NOW!!!!! (Never mind that they won their first post-Pete conference crown nine months ago.)
  4. UCLA – No really. Chip Kelly’s going to get this mess turned around. Oh sure, it might take a couple decades, but, by God, they’ll climb that mountain.
  5. LSU – And now, your occasional reminder that chaos can be your bestie. Witness college football’s perpetual kings of chaos from Baton Rouge, who are following their new spiritual leader, Kick TracyEnjoy the celebration, y’all…all the way until the team underperforms in next week’s paycheck game and you begin self-soiling again.
  6. Kansas – Speaking of happy chaos, break up the Jayhawks! (For their sake, we hope somebody breaks them up before they start playing ranked teams in two weeks.)
  7. Rutgers – Six freaking turnovers? At home? Against Kansas? You lost by 41 points to a team that lost to Nicholls State? Y’all might want to break yourselves up too.
  8. Colorado State – Nice to see the Rams getting back to doling out points in the mid-40’s after that brief detour into respectability against that lightweight outfit from Arkansas.
  9. Arkansas – Apparently, Bret Bielema’s #karma didn’t leave with him. And yeah, the nice people of Fort Collins shouldn’t get too excited. After all, the Hogs stayed within a touchdown of the Rams before losing by four of them to…North Texas? A pissed off Auburn team should be fun.
  10. Auburn – Ain’t you all glad you extended Gus last off-season?
  11. Notre Dame – With one-score wins over football lightweights Vanderbilt, Ball State, and Michigan, can’t you just smell the sense of impending doom hanging over South Bend? Buck up, gang – just two weeks until Stanford!
  12. UTEP – Do you realize that Barack Obama was still President the last time UTEP won a football game?
  13. UConn – Giving up 118 to Boise State and UCF is brutal, but 49 to Rhode Island? Somebody send the Huskies to Pasadena – UCLA needs their help.
  14. North Carolina – Cancelling their game due to Hurricane Florence marks the high point of the Heels season. ‘Nuff said?
  15. New Mexico State – 0-4 after Week Three means all that back-to-back bowl optimism is dead, and with two guaranteed wins coming up, we can’t imagine how ugly things will be if the Ags lose one.
  16. Arizona State – The good folk of the Valley Of The Sun love a nice trip to San Diego. Here’s guessing they didn’t enjoy this one so much. Luckily, this week’s game with U-Dub is the perfect opportunity to get the Herm Edwards Revolution back on track.
  17. Purdue – 0-3 after Week Three means all that back-to-back bowl/Jeff Brohm Revolution optimism is dead. Boiler up!
  18. San Jose State – We keep hearing what a great guy Brent Brennan is. At 2-14 so far, we’re pulling for him, but then, we like lost causes.
  19. Coastal Carolina vs. Campbell – In case you all weren’t sure whether you belong in FBS, the turnout at that Wednesday afternoon special should answer your questions. That said, congratulations on getting your priorities straight, unlike…
  20. Clemson – Seriously? There was a massive public safety emergency in your state, and you were too busy playing a meaningless paycheck game to notice that maybe the po-lice didn’t need to be available at your stadium? (Alternatively, you had about 10% as many cops at your games as usual, so maybe you’re just overusing valuable public safety resources.) Either way, that’s freaking weak, Tigers. Or, said differently, y’all Clemsoned at something far more important than football.