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Instead, they’re just a palooka drinking cheap hooch at the end of the bar in some booze-soaked gin joint on the wrong side of the tracks. Y’know, they used to be somebody. They used to be loved. Now, they’re just barely holding onto that dream that they’ve still got a chance to make it someday.

This year’s edition of Palookaville got a whole bunch of new residents this week, along with the usual standards.

  1. Nebraska – With UCLA off the skids, the Huskers are this year’s gold standard for not being golden, and what a way to lock down the top spot: with a collapse for the ages against Northwestern! Like Jay-Z, they’ve got 99 problems…or at least yards worth of problems.
  2. Wisconsin – Speaking of Nebraska, the Badgers are just like the 70’s and 80’s and 90’s Huskers, pounding everyone into submission and having an occasional Heismany running back. Unlike those Huskers, they’re never going to win a natty. Ever.
  3. Arizona – Not gonna lie: yours chaotically thought Khalil Tate was bound for a Heismany year, especially since the Cats have the worst defense in the history of life, meaning the other guys would be scoring faster than the Chip Kelly blur in Eugene, so he’d get more possessions than the average Tua. Maybe next year, ankle willing.
  4. West Virginia – Not gonna lie: yours chaotically never believed in West Virginia and still doesn’t. That said, IOWA STATE?!?!? (And yeah, we know they do that to somebody every year.)
  5. Georgia – It is at this juncture that we point out that LSU got outphysicaled by Florida. Have a nice cocktail party, y’all.
  6. Central Florida – We agree with y’all: this poop’s getting ridiculous. Still, you’re not going to be allowed to be contenders. Ever. Sorry.
  7. Pac-12 – Good night, sweet princes, and congrats on once again having your marquee game kick off at 10:30pm Eastern!
  8. Oklahoma State – Sayyyy, Pokes…you realize you’re one Kansas away from last place in the Big 12, right?
  9. Auburn – Sayyyy, Tigers…you realize you’re one Arkansas away from last place in the division you won last year, right?
  10. Arkansas – The mind boggles at what might have happened if Gus had gone home in the offseason. Chad Morris is really good, but lotsa luck digging out from this mess.
  11. Washington & LSU – Suddenly, those Auburn games look a lot less impressive, though the Tigers get a chance to make the ultimate statement in a few weeks. Good luck with that.
  12. Penn State – Under James Franklin, the Lions sure are Britneylike. Say it with me: oops, they did it again.
  13. Louisville – Remember when Bobby Petrino was a combination of genius and a-hole? Now, he’s just an a-hole.
  14. Miami – It’s easy to root for Mark Richt, but it’s far more fun to mock all the jackasses screaming, “The U!!!” when they talk about their beloved alma mater. Enjoy what’s left of this season, friends!
  15. Cal – Weren’t you guys ranked and undefeated a couple minutes ago? Lose this week, and you’re going winless in the P12. (And here you thought UCLA had problems.)
  16. North Carolina – If we were all in third grade, we’d be calling UNC to remind them that cheaters never prosper. We’re not, so let’s all call Chapel Hill to remind them that people who are jackasses regarding concussions and CTE never prosper.
  17. UNLV – Yeah, the Rebels are never going to be contenders, but things are an amazing mess in the 702.
  18. Colorado – So much for that burst back to first in the P12. That said, if you haven’t caught Laviska Shenault’s act yet, you need to remedy the situation immediately…even if you need to stay up past midnight to do it.
  19. Tulsa – How in the name of Nebraska, did you all not pull of the big upset? You do realize that getting run on by Blake Barnett is like getting outphysicaled by Kansas, don’cha?
  20. Kansas – Yeah, we know. Two whole wins. Still, a Chaos Index without Kansas would be like a Congress without liars.