We said it last week, and we meant it: if all you’re interested in is “Who’s In?” you’re ready to call this whole thing off and advance directly to Alabama-Clemson IV. Luckily, for those of us who love the sport for the sake of its madness, it’s way too much fun to see Iowa State get the drop on Texas Tech thanks to a safety (on a holding call in the end zone, no less) while the worst program in the Power 5 not named Kansas comes back from a four-touchdown deficit to get over on the nominal leader of the worst division in Power 5 history, the Pac-12 South.
That said, it’s getting less and less interesting to wonder who’s going to be in come CFP time. Let’s be effing clear up front: if you try to dare to troll this bitch, we’re sending you into the football cornfield. However, if you’ve got any idea how we tax, regulate, or otherwise overthrown our perpetual overlords, we’re listening. Good luck with that this week, LSU!
- Los Angeles Dodgers – It’s World Series time, so a brief departure from what we normally do here. Memo to Dodger management: you’re not geniuses; you just have a really big payroll. Geniuses would realize they can’t wave their magic wand every February and create two new bullpen studs. Memo to the rest of L.A: you’re a year too early on those Lakers car flags, so now that you’re roundfiling your Dodger flags, enjoy that trip to Walmart to buy a new Rams car flag.
- Texas – With that, the good people of Burnt Orange Nation are cordially invited to panic: lose this Saturday, and you’re back to playing in lower tier bowls and hate-watching OU on New Year’s Day.
- USC – Great news Trojans – you’re in pretty good shape to be bowl eligible! Bad news: there’s no obvious quick-fix candidate out there to fix your mess, so you’re going to have to hire Jack Del Rio instead.
- Florida State – The big question is which is the more embarrassing number: 59 points at home or -21 yards rushing at home. Can we use a little poetic license and claim that Taggart rhymes with haggard?
- Ohio State – Purdue lost to Michigan State a week after absolutely destroying the Bucks? Hmm…maybe that state up north has a little something for Urbz this year after all.
- Appalachian State – Know your brand, y’all! Do you want to be the team that upset Michigan 11 years ago and counting, or do you want to be the program with three national championships and counting? We hope one week at #25 was worth it. Now head home to the SoCon and take the rest of the Sun Belt with you. (Okay, you can leave Troy, A-State, and the Louisiana schools. Barely.)
- Louisville – It couldn’t be happening to a nicer Petrino or a school with a sketchier recent sports history.
- North Carolina – Well, except for you all.
- North Carolina State – Time for Pack Nation to gaze lovingly at Dave Doeren and say, “But…but…we believed in you!” Lose to Felony State this week and the wheels are officially off…again.
- The Rest Of The ACC – Miami, Louisville, and NC State are toast, BC is the “big threat” to Clemson, and we’re thisclose to seeing Virginia win the Coastal. Do we even know you?
- UCLA – The Bruins are on a roll and about to mount the most amazing comeback ever to make the Rose Bowl! Or they’ll get run out of their own barn 41-10. Whichever.
- The Rest Of The Pac-12 – We don’t even know where to start: Colorado falling apart and losing to the trainwreck that is Oregon State? Washington putting up one-tenth of a hundred on Cal? Pass-first Stanford?!? The entire South Division being one Utah away from being a complete ball of blech! The Granddaddy Of Them All is going to be an unbelievably ugly matchup this year.
- TCU – Man, is this mess falling apart fast. Kansas? KANSAS?!?!?
- Wisconsin – You just handed your annual trip to Indy to Northwestern. How does that taste?
- Texas Tech – Funniest joke in college football this year: Tech’s defense is finally fixed. On the other hand, losing the game on a safety was a novel way of mishandling things. Now, say hello to your little friends Oklahoma and Texas.
- Florida Atlantic – Lane Kiffin is back! He’s so good we gave him a 10-year deal after one season!!! Lane Kiffin is 3-5 and doing Lane Kiffin things like offering Matt Leinart’s 11 year-old a scholie.
- Arkansas – The 2-7 Hogs two “victims” this year have beaten Central Arkansas, Tennessee Tech, and UT-Martin. Now, they’ve got two weeks to prepare for post-Bama LSU. Two decades might not be anough.
- Kansas State – Bill Snyder shouldn’t have to go out this way, but he is. And now…if someone can just explain how Kansas escaped from this mess faster than K-State.
- UTEP – We’re sorry, guys, but you’re our last hope for a perfectly brutal season. Again.
- UNLV – Seriously? You handed San Jose State half a hundred and a real life win? After blowing out UTEP in Week Two? Good news! Clay Helton should be available in a few weeks, and things worked out so well with John Robinson.
- Kansas – The Jayhawks are 3-5 and on what passes for a roll in Lawrence, hence the purely honorary #21 slot here. We just can’t quit you, KU!
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