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Ahh 2018, the Golden Era of College Football when the genius of Chip Kelly had returned to college football while the genius of Scott Frost had been elevated to major college football (sorry UCF), and the genius of Jim Harbaugh would finally be on display. Or not.

Two weeks into the 2019 go-round, we’re pretty much back to where we were 12 months ago with one little add-on that’s catapulted past the rest of the trainwrecks currently deserving of our mockery, so let’s get to the mocking. Cool with you, Vol Nation?


  1. Tennessee – There’s no shame in losing to BYU. There’s a poopload of shame in giving up a 68-yard play with :06 on the clock to set up the game-tying field goal at home before losing in overtime a week after having your world turned upside down by Georgia State who barely snuck by Furman at home this week. The good news is that the last time Big Orange started 0-2, they won a natty…ten years later. So, you’ve got that to look forward to, Vols.
  2. UCLA – Nice to see the Bruins lose to traditional power San Diego State for the first time in the history of life. Not sure exactly when Chip Kelly lost his mojo, but it’s gone, and next Saturday, Oklahoma’s coming for his very soul, so that’s going to be fun.
  3. Nebraska – Are the children of the corn still the trendy pick in the B1G West? Is ScoFro still a genius?
  4. Florida State – Congrats on the big one-point overtime win at home against Louisiana-Monroe! Even bigger congrats on only being a touchdown underdog to…Virginia.
  5. That Texas-Texas A&M Non-Rivalry Rivalry Renewal – Y’all both put up quite the fight, so big ups for that. That said, just assume that you’re the rivalry that no one outside of Texas cares if they ever see again.
  6. Michigan – Can you feel everything falling apart on Captain Khakis again this year? If not, the good people of Wisconsin will be delighted to give you the feels in two weeks.
  7. Virginia Tech – We like Justin Fuente, but if you can’t feel everything falling apart in Blacksburg after the Hokies barely squeaked by Old Dominion, just wait until they get to Notre Dame.
  8. Arkansas – Welcome to Fayetteville, home of the team that finishes 2019 last in the SEC West. Isn’t it nice to settle who gets the cellar in Week Two? Have fun with ‘Bama, LSU, Auburn, and TAMU, Hogs!
  9. Vanderbilt – Welcome to Nashville, where the big question is whether the clock runs out on Derek Mason in October, November, or December.
  10. Miami – If you’re old enough, watching the ‘Canes almost win again had to leave you hearing Maxwell Smart saying, “Missed it by that much!” in your head.
  11. Syracuse – So much for the return of the Orange. If we didn’t know any better, we’d think that wearing orange and playing college football just don’t mix. Unless you’re Clemson, of course.
  12. FAU – So much for the glorious Lane Kiffin era in Boca.
  13. FIU – So much for the second glorious Butch Davis era in Miami.
  14. USF – Charlie Strong deserves better. Sometimes we don’t get what we deserve.
  15. UMass – We’ll spare you the “mass of [expletive deleted]” comment and simply note that, if you’re getting blown off your home field by an FCS program, you probably belong in FCS (or Division 2), instead of trying to dine at the grownup table.
  16. UConn – On a similar note, if you’re getting handled at home by an FCS program like Illinois, you’re going to finish 1-11. Wouldn’t UConn-UMass make a smashing end-of-season rivalry game in the Northeast Conference?
  17. UNLV – If you’re getting blown off your soon-to-be-old-field by Arkansas State, perhaps you should just shut things down until the new field opens next year. Not that the football will be better, but the view will be. (Of course, the parking will suddenly be really expensive, so enjoy looking forward to that, Rebs.)
  18. Oregon State – Just four weeks until that exciting throwdown with UCLA in Pasadena! Given reduced attendance expectations, maybe the game should be moved from the Rose Bowl to Pasadena High.
  19. Kansas – How do you think the good folks at Coastal Carolina feel about beating a Power 5 program? Sorry Les, but it’s going to be a loooong haul in Lawrence.
  20. DBU – We’re sick of hearing about the blathering about DBU from, well, everybody who’s blathering about DBU. Special note to last week’s Austin combatants: if the final score of your game was 45-38 with 880 combined passing yards, maybe you want to put those DBU t-shirts away.