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If the SEC is going to put two teams in the College Football Playoff, it’s going to need to have two Power 5 conference champions spend title season crying into their coffee. We already know the identity of one: the Mountain West, which, along with its Group of 5 bitch, the Pac-12, will not be playing in a bowl game of note this year. (This is particularly true since, with the Pac-12 champ playing in Pasadena on New Year’s, the Granddaddy Of Them All will not be a bowl game of note this season.)

Other than that, as weeks go, this was about as uninteresting a schedule as you get this time of year, what with all the excitement that happened when…when…uh, yeah, we don’t know either. So, with that, let’s move on to our weekly dose of disdain, which is – shock! – highlighted by…


  1. The Pac-12 – Pick your favorite P12 calamity: the amazing, resurgent trOJans of USC, whose New Savior got picked in overtime; the amazing collapsing supergeniuses of Stanford who got hospital-jobbed by Central Florida; Colorado, which followed up that big win over Nebraska by pratfalling against Air Force (but is there really any shame in losing to a superior conference?); the six ranked teams(!), all of them clustered near the bottom of the polls (except for Utah); or, you can just go with the team that played a roadie in their own arroyo and gave up something like 18 yards per play in the first half.
  2. UCLA – Give the Bruins credit for two things: (1) making Jalen Hurts play into the fourth quarter and (2) passing Tennessee as the most embarrassing program in college football at the moment.
  3. Florida State – That overtime win against Louisiana-Monroe is looking more and more like a fluke, isn’t it?
  4. Tennessee –  A win! Actually, a shutout, blowout win! Just make sure not to moc the opponent. Don’t look now, but Georgia State just lost to Western Michigan by the nailbiting score of 57-10.
  5. Georgia Tech – We’re not sure which loss was more embarrassing: The Citadel or Miami.
  6. USC – Pick your favorite L.A. newspaper headline: “Anatomy Of A Loss” or “Big Step Back.” Here’s the anatomy of y’all’s big step back: you totally overvalued that thrilling Stanford win and you’re playing a true freshman a quarterback. Here’s  our favorite line from the local fishwrapper: “[Clay Helton’s] program is in a death spiral and there is nothing he can do to stop it.” Fight on!
  7. Virginia Tech – It sure woulda been humiliating to lose at home to Furman. Holding on to beat them by a touchdown? Not that much better, now that you mention it.
  8. Stanford – If you’ve been paying attention – really paying attention – for the last few years, the Cardinal have looked like the This Is Fine dog, sitting in a burning room not worrying about the fire. One assumes that being down 38-7 at the half might have woken up somebody in Palo Alto. After all, they’re really smart over there. Aren’t they?
  9. Michigan State – Mark Dantonio’s done a lot of great stuff in East Lansing, but Sparty’s looking more and more like the Stanford of the Midwest every day, especially after losing to ASU.
  10. Purdue – And finally, we have the Boilers, who are looking like a mini-Michigan State at the moment and wondering if maybe just maybe they shoulda helped Jeff Brohm go home.
  11. ILLinois – If you’re wondering who history’s worst 2-1 team is, here’s your answer.
  12. Pitt – Lessee…down seven points to your rival with five minutes to go and it’s 4th and goal from the 1? Your quarterback is having a career day, so of course you…try a field goal? The Panthers got exactly what Pat Nardizzy deserved.
  13. UNLV – We still can’t figure out why the Rebs have a football program. Y’know, unless it’s to allow unpaid college football players to come to town and dine on a 99-cent shrimp cocktail or something.
  14. Colorado State – Remember when the Rams were a serious mid-major power? If not, they’ve kindly stuck the name of Sonny Lubick on their shack to remind you.
  15. Miami – See Tennessee.  Substitute Bethune–Cookman for UT-Chattanooga.
  16. Florida – We’re undefeated! We just lost our starting QB for the year!
  17. Syracuse – The Orange were Clemson’s trap game this year. No, seriously! So much for that, though if you’re looking for a sign that Clemson might Clemson this year, the Tigers couldn’t even pound the ‘Cuse as bad as Maryland did, and the Terps just got themselves blown up by Temple.
  18. North Carolina – A “non-conference” loss to Wake Forest that wasn’t nearly as close as the score makes it look? So ends the glorious tale of Mack Brown’s miracle comeback season in Chapel Hill. Oh, and so begins the tale of the ACC, which would look worse than the Pac-12 if it weren’t for Clemson.
  19. Boston College – Now, that looked like a Steve Addazio coached team getting blown off the field at home by 20-point dog Kansas on Friday night! Big ups for just being yourselves, Boring College! Speaking of KU…
  20. Kansas – We say it all the time: chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It was quite the treat to see The Chaosmaster himself, Les Miles, leading the Hawks to almost 500 yards of stunningly balanced offense on the road against an alleged Power 5 opponent. If they somehow get a single W against the run of West Virginia, TCU, Texas and Oklahoma, we’re nominating him for sainthood.