The best treat that goes with Halloween? Howzabout the end of bad October schedules? Oh sure, we get a couple decent games every weekend, but check out the first week of November and start making pizza delivery plans now. Yours truly seriously considered boarding a plane for either Bama or Detroit (as in three MAC games, plus Michigan-Rutgers) before choosing the couch in a massive case of FOMO.
LSU @ Bama – Forget the crazy offenses, forget the wide open, high-scoring throwdowns, and watch two sets of behemoths attempt to bludgeon each other into unconsciousness. We don’t watch Game Of Thrones – if there’s no chance of a kick six, why bother? – but we’re guessing that it wouldn’t be out of line to see Leonard Fournette and Derrick Henry in an episode, dressed up in some insane medieval gladiator shit and going at each other from on top of fullback, er, horseback at midfield. May the best pernach win.
Florida State @ Clemson – Okay Clemson, here’s your last chance to Clemson this year. Three words: Not. Gonna. Happen.
Northern Illinois @ Toledo – Ahh…MAC, we thank you so much for our annual November gift of mid-week #MACtion! There are no words to describe the delight we feel at being able to cruise into work on Tuesday and say, “Yeah, whatever – I’ve got a good game to watch tonight.” Help us out with one thing, though: we thought NIU was the West’s imperial overlord. Explain this whole losing to CMU thing to us, please.
Mississippi State @ Missouri – Remember that run of SEC East titles for the newcomers? Forget it. In the extreme. Get ready for a new run of third-tier bowls (if that). Expect the Tigers to spend Sunday wiping Mr. Prescott’s tire tracks off their backs.
Baylor @ Kansas State – Okay, so what do we have here? Oh look, it’s a usually dependable team that’s underperforming hosting a national championship contender giving a true freshman backup QB his first-ever start. That’s not a trap game; it’s a recipe for a really interesting football soap opera. Tune in to see if the handsome new doctor gets the nurse he’s chasing or if he turns out to be a still-green intern.
Kansas @ Texas – It won’t happen. It can’t possibly happen. Of course, neither could the Iowa State debacle. Oh, and if it does happen, the entire state may spontaneously combust. Before you get too excited about that prospect, remember that America needs oil.
Utah @ U-Dub – By all rights, Utah should win going away. You get the feeling, however, that Washington is thisclose to putting it all together, and you get the feeling that Utah may still be a little disappointed about how things turned out two weeks ago. Kyle Whittingham is really good at having his team ready to play in games like this, and he’d better be good at it again this week. After all, he flunked the USC audition, and The U will be watching closely.
TCU @ Oklahoma State – Lookee here: it’s another huge conference showdown! The only problem is that Oklahoma State hasn’t really beaten anybody. By sundown this Saturday, that will still be the case.
Navy @ Memphis – Hot damn, it’s a showdown of AAC unbeatens! It’s also a really funky roadblock on the Justin Fuente Can Have Any Job He Wants World Tour. The Tigers ought to win fairly easily, but let’s see how this year’s up-and-coming supercoach makes out against a good triple option team.
Michigan State @ Nebraska – Sparty’s been playing with fire all year, and Herbie Husker’s been making the transition from Nebraska Nice to Nebraska Nuclear Meltdown all year. Assuming there’s still a healthy quarterback on the roster – along with a couple dozen other guys who aren’t injured – the Huskers are going to go off on somebody at some point. Speaking of injuries…
UCLA @ Oregon State – How could this not be a blowout? Either the Bruins will show off their far superior talent and walk all over the Beavers, or the rest of the team will get hurt in the first quarter, and they’ll be forced to put the basketball team in pads and hope the point guard knows how to throw fades to a seven-footer.
Iowa State @ Oklahoma – By the transitive power of football, Iowa State should win this by 31. By the transitive power of common sense, OU ought to win this by, what, 50?
Vanderbilt @ Florida – Speaking of trap games…just kidding. Vanderbilt should consider it an upset if they even get on the scoreboard.
Virginia @ Miami – Mike London might be able to afford one more loss. What are the odds the Canes hand it to him via some more crazy gangsta shit like last week? Maybe a Statue Of Liberty play where the intended receiver clocks the DB who’s covering him with an actual statue? Given that they can no doubt smell blood in the tidewater, we’d call them about four in five.
Cal @ Oregon – Remember last week’s crazyass Ducks game with ‘Zona State? Well, Cal plays less a lot less defense than ASU, so buy some NoDoz and stay up late to watch the wacky hijinks that ensue when two football teams play a game of First One To 60 Wins!