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The next time the pusher offers you a free sample, remember what happens once you get hooked. Now that you’ve been sucked in with THE GREATEST OPENING WEEKEND EVER!!!, welcome to the comedown known as The Worst Week Two Schedule Ever!!!

We’re going from lotsa showdowns between ranked teams and piles of presumed national powers getting pantsed to, uh, no showdowns between ranked teams and piles of Power 5 teams playing Directional State Tech Teachers College, which is receiving enough dough to fund its entire athletic program for the rest of the year in exchange for allowing 63 scholarship athletes to absorb a 77-3 beatdown.

Battle @ Bristol – It’s this week’s marquee “showdown”! Know what to expect? Of course you don’t. No one does. VaTech gave Justin Fuente a nice, comfy debut against a lower division program. The Vols gave bUTch a decidedly less cozy season debut against an App State team that regularly makes major programs soil themselves. In other words, you know absolutely nothing about either team other than the fact that Tennessee was a tad (we call that sarcasm, mon ami) overrated. The good news is that a record number of college football fans will be there, and several of them will be close enough to the field to see some of the action.

Central Florida @ Michigan – One of last year’s winless against Crazy Jim’s Traveling Circus. Scott Frost has spent most of his career being the windshield; this week, he gets to find out what it’s like to be the bug.

BYU @ Utah – I’m not including this one just because it’s fun to call a football game The Holy War. It’s probably the best game of the weak week.

Boston College @ UMass – The Minutemen actually balled with Florida at The Swamp. The Eagles bored with Georgia Tech across the pond. BC won’t lose on Saturday, but they’ll sure make it uninteresting.

Utah State @ USC – It’s just your typical game where a team currently winning by an average of 39 points a game is a 17-point dog to a team losing by 46 points a game.

Western Kentucky @ Alabama – The Tide takes a step up in class this week, playing a consistently good football program, as opposed to last week’s pushover. Fortunately for them, they’re at home instead of playing on a neutral field.

Virginia @ Oregon – UVA opened their last two seasons being toyed with by UCLA, so what better way to ease into ACC play than with a much better Pac-12 program? Lucky for Bronco Mendenhall, he showed up in Hooville just in time to see his team get whacked by the resident FBS crew last week. Here’s guessing this Saturday’s game will leave the fanbase asking, “Wahoowhaaaa???”

Jacksonville State @ LSU – Just wondering who Ryan Perrilloux’s rooting for.