The Chaos Index, Week Six: Sometimes, Chaos Wears A Smiley Face

Chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Chaos can be your bestie, which is exactly what it was this week for our top three. We’ve been harshing on this week’s #1 for years for their annual moment in which they almost slay a dragon only to do a priceless faceplant right before the final whistle.

Punking America’s Youngest Glamour Coach deserves some special recognition. Sadly, the best we can do here is call Iowa State #1 this week, but hey, being #1 beats being #2, which is what LSU figures to be as long as Ed O is hiring million-dollar coordinators and then blowing off their schemes. Y’all best to be a CEO and cheerleader kinda head coach, bro.

Bonus chaos this week: pick your favorite defensive meltdown from the teams below. Whatcha think? Arkansas? Ole Miss? Tulsa? ECU? UConn? (Remember when Bob Diaco had the Huskies saying their defense was the best in America?)

And now, let’s meet this week’s Kings of Chaos.

1. Iowa State – Y’see, this has been the problem all along, Cyclones: you just haven’t taken chaos to its extreme (until now). Kudos on sending out a walk-on and your middle linebacker (yeah yeah yeah, we know) to take the snaps! There’s no other way to say it, but this: fuckin’ a, ISU! Y’all got ‘er done! We have no words. Well, except “fuckin’ a!” We’ve always got those words.
2. LSU – Now that was some hardcore SEC football in The Swamp, fellas, so it’s a smiley face week for Coach Eaux. Actually, it’s a smiley face life for Coach Eaux, what with that $12 million buyout in his contract. Speaking of which, maybe it’s a frowny face week for Joe Alleva. (Also, give Ed a special Les Miles Lives! award for calling actual plays at the end of the game just to give Florida one last chance to pull the game out.)
3. Miami – Speaking of smiley faces, what better way to bust a cap in a brutal rivalry slump than with a disputed 40-yard TD pass with six seconds left in the game? So lessee, the Canes are back and UGA’s looking great with Kirby? It’s the rare dumb coaching move that worked out well for everybody!
4. Felony State – Oh sure, they’re 1-3 in Tallahassee, but chaos can still wear a smiley face, right Jimbo? After all, you’ve beaten Miami seven out of the last eight years.
5. Ole Mess – How fun to see the Alabama schools escort the Rebs to the SEC West cellar. Oh, and nice timing, what with announcing your new Landshark mascot right in between the two games where you gave up 110 points.
6. BYU – Remember when the Cougs went the indie route so they could be the LDS version of Notre Dame? It turns out they’re now the LDS version of Incarnate Word.
7. North Carolina – Good news! UVA’s on the up and 4-1 this year, so y’all have the opportunity to go 1-6 next week!!! Have fun!!!!!
8. Michigan – Ruh roh. Saint Harbaugh’s wings are all wet.
9. Arkansas – The original King of Karma just got run over on the way out of Fayetteville. It’s one thing to lose to the Cocks, but Bret, 48 points? Boom’s teams don’t do that in a month. You can just list that number under “reason for termination” on your application for unemployment insurance .
10. Tennessee – Are you the only one who was surprised when the Vols didn’t say bye to bUTch during the bye week?
11. UCLA – The Bruins weren’t going to say bye to Jim Mora during their bye week, but you can bet they spent their down time trying to keep Lord Chip from visiting Knoxville.
12. USC – If you think the Trojan faithless were happy with that win over the ghost of Oregon State, you don’t know Troy.
13. Kansas – 65 points to Texas Tech and now the Jayhawks have to face to momentum-fueled monster that is Iowa State? Maybe it’s time to head to the Ohio Valley Conference so y’all can see Southeast Missouri State more often.
14. Illinois – Lovie’s last chance for a win is this coming week. Enjoy your visit from Rutgers, gang!
15. Rutgers – Chris Ash’s last chance for a win this year is this coming week. Enjoy your visit to Champaign, gang!
16. UConn – Remember that time the Huskies played in a major bowl game and lost $1.6 million? It’s nice to see they’re making sure that never happens again, but letting Memphis hit them for 70 is really taking things to the extremes.
17. Mizzery – Remember those two times the Tigers won the SEC East and got wiped out in the SEC Championship Game? It’s nice to see they’re working hard to not be embarrassed like that again.
18. East Carolina – Congratulations on holding an opponent under eight touchdowns for the third time this year!!!
19. Tulsa – 62 points. To Tulane?!?!? Didja notice that the Wave haven’t put up 62 total points against their other three FBS opponents this year? Just sayin’.
20. That Car Commercial With Sweet Caroline In It – Memo to the dipshits at the ad agency who came up with that spot: it wasn’t particularly clever the first time we saw it. By the 1,000th time, we’ve forgotten that it’s even an ad for a car because we just want it to stop. Also, please hand a Genuis Award to whoever thought it would be a good idea to place an ad featuring a Neil Diamond song on football games – after all, the men who make up the majority of the football audience just loooove Neil Diamond.