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A few weeks ago, we gave “the schedule” the #1 spot in this hot mess because it was so freaking awful. Had we thought about it, we’d have waited until this week to rip on that bitch because what the “great powers” of college football offered us this week was, in retrospect, an effing joke. Congrats to Alabama, Auburn, Clemson, Florida State, Florida, South Carolina, and North Carolina on fending off a veritable murderers row of tomato cans on their way to Rivalry Week. Oh, and thanks for making sure this week rivaled the worst we’ve seen in ages.

In other news, the coaching carousel just got real interesting, didn’t it?

  1. The Schedule – Considering how many of you big name coaches pride yourselves on preparing kids to play on Sundays, you might want to remember that no one prepares for the New England Patriots by playing the Edmonton Eskimos.
  2. Nebraska – For a young guy, Scott Frost sure has got the non-denial denial down pat.
  3. UCLA – Casey Wasserman, er, the Bruins didn’t move that fast and cap Jim Mora on his birthday for nothing. It’ll be interesting to see whether they’ve locked in on Chip or somebody else.
  4. Florida – Remember when the Gators were a glamour program? Yeah, those days are over. Now they’re in line behind UCLA’s Wassermoney and shiny new facility. (You know: the Wasserman Center.)
  5. Tennessee – Remember when the Vols were a glamour program? Now they’re in line behind UCLA and Florida, so unless Chucky’s really ready to ruin his life for no apparent reason, they’ll be hiring someone who’s overachieved in the AAC.
  6. Ole Mess – With all these big programs looking for a new coach, the Rebs are really going to have to prostitute themselves to get their, er, man.
  7. BYU – Kilani Sitake is obviously a really good guy, but dang, losing at home to UMass?  That’s some LSU losing at home to Troy shit right there.
  8. Kansas – We were going to blast Oklahoma for scheduling a tomato can like the Jayhawks, but then we remembered that KU hasn’t relocated to the Missouri Valley Conference yet, so the only choice the Sooners had was whether or not to celebrate with obscene gestures.
  9. Arkansas – Could be worse y’all. You’ve got one more SEC win than Tennessee.
  10. North Carolina – The only thing more awful than going 3-8 in your alleged breakout season is going 3-8 with two of the wins against Old Dominion and Western Carolina.
  11. Michigan – Never thought you’d see Jim Harbaugh in the death spiral, did you?
  12. Texas A&M – The Aggies aren’t having an awful season, just one that’s bad enough to get Kevin Sumlin gigged.
  13. Rice – The Owls used to be a solid mid-major contender. Now, they’re a team that plays in a dump that once hosted a Super Bowl.
  14. Oregon State – Mike Riley, come on down!  Again!!!
  15. Delaware State – 77-6 to a 3-6 outfit like Felony State? Fire…well, whoever the coach is!
  16. Vanderbilt – Sucks to be the underdog in a matchup of 0-7 conference teams, doesn’t it, ‘Dores?
  17. Baylor – Sorry, we needed some low-hanging fruit this week, and the Bears fruits sure are sagging.
  18. Illinois – See above.
  19. San Jose State – See above with the only win against Cal Poly.
  20. Idaho – Always nice to bid a Kibble Dome (or whatever that airplane hangar is called) farewell to “major” college football by getting whacked by one-win Coastal Carolina.