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Is it us, or are more power programs sputtering than usual as September draws to a close and the meltdowns begin from (Pacific) coast to (Gulf) coast. After a week where His Royal Hatness may have had his Waterloo and One-Win Clay’s team found another festive way to collapse, it is a move of utmost douchebaggery that leads this week’s Chaos Index.

And with that, a decidedly non-football, heartbreaking note: rest in peace, José Fernández.

  1. FIU – We admit it: FIU belongs at the “apex” of The Douchebaggery Index, not The Chaos Index, but here we are. Congratulations to the entirety of the FIU administration on attempting to insert yourselves into the headlines on the day that your entire community – and especially your entire sporting community – are mourning a stunning, horrific tragedy.
  2. USC – Boy, that Pat Haden sure knew how to hire football coaches, didn’t he? Trojan fans suddenly find themselves dreaming of the glory of the Paul Hackett era. Lucky for Clay Helton, they’re an understanding lot.
  3. LSU – Here’s how you know it may finally be time for Les to go: they’re recycling plots in Baton Rouge, only this time, the clock turns out to be the villain, not the hero. Apparently, Danny Etling isn’t the hero either. Neither is Cam Cameron, but Hat knew that going into the offseason and did nothing about it.
  4. Notre Dame – It’s funny how chaos just creeps up on you sometimes. It’s not funny how the incredibly nice people of South Bend (no sarcasm there) – not to mention the handful of Irish fans around the globe (okay, lotsa sarcasm there) – will react to a 1-3 start and a loss to Duke at home. Here’s a crazy thought: with a handful of very losable games left on the schedule, America’s Program might end up 5-6 going into the The USC Game Is Our Bowl Bowl.
  5. UCLA – Oh look! It’s an opportunity to finally break through and take it to the next level by ending the one streak that…never mind. Also, y’know the term “Bruin Revolution?” Never mind that too. Enjoy another 8-4 season and trip to a second-tier bowl.
  6. Tennessee – Speaking of never breaking through, those sure were the same old Vols against Florida again. I mean, was there even a reason to watch the second half? (And have we ever talked about how chaos can be a good thing? Enjoy, y’all – you’ve earned it.)
  7. Florida – In life, it’s important to give back, so congratulations Gators on repaying UT’s 2015 generosity in full.       Oh, and that DBU title? You’d have given it away even if FIU hadn’t snatched it from you (and rebranded it).
  8. Oregon – Things we learned this week: apparently, a duck can pull a truck. Also, a Duck really should not try to dress up like a duck. Finally, the wheels appear to be coming off that big-ass four-by that the Ducks have been driving over everyone in the Pac-12 not named Stanford for the past decade or so. And before we’re done tying UO back to the Florida-Tennessee streak-ending game, let’s take a moment to think about how much fun the Washington game will be.
  9. Penn State – If the wheels are coming off in Eugene, the halo over James Franklin is slowly dimming.
  10. Fresno State – For a program that should be doing a whole lot better – and used to do a whole lot better – winless against FBS going into conference is not a good look. If you’re looking to see who gets fired first second this year, you may want to turn your gaze to California’s scenic San Joaquin Valley.
  11. South Carolina – No running game. Against Kentucky. Boom’s mad offensive skillz appear to be at it again.
  12. Arizona – If UCLA has pretty much leveled off under Jim Mora, what do you call the Wildcats’ “progress” under Rich Rodriguez? Considering how the good people of Tucson dealt with another Dick – Tomey – in another era, DickRod shouldn’t be feeling too comfortable about now.
  13. BYU – Ask Mike Riley about whether a bunch of close losses back-to-back are a big deal. Then, be glad that Michigan State has Toledo to work some of their frustrations out on before they get to you.
  14. Virginia – Meanwhile, in the BYU transfers department, Bronco finally got hisself his first win on Grounds, and against the team that kinda sorta beat Oklahoma State, no less. Considering that Duke just woke up, that’s probably a good thing. There doesn’t appear to be another W on the schedule.
  15. Boston College – Sometimes, it’s best to go with reruns (especially when nothing has changed), so here’s what we wrote last week before the Wagner blowout: Ooh, an FCS program next week – a really bad one! The Eagles are going to be the worst 2-2 disaster in the history of college football. Heck, with this schedule, they could easily be the worst 3-2 team ever…before ending up 3-9 (or 2-10).
  16. Purdue – See College, Boston – and be glad that Nevada’s fallen on hard times.
  17. Northern Illinois – WTF, NIU? 0-4 with a loss to a lower division program? Seven losses in a row? We don’t want to get too outrageous, but here’s guessing that that run of six straight division championships is going the way of FIU’s dignity.
  18. South Florida – This is it! We’re rolling! We’ve been on a huge winning streak ever since Florida State dusted us last year! Here’s our big chance in front of a huuuuge crowd at the RayJay. Oh damn, could somebody go tear the satellite dish off the top of the Big 12 Conference office before the second quarter starts?
  19. UNLV – You lost. At home. To Idaho. Apparently, hiring a high school coach is not a ticket to a quick fix. Who knew?
  20. Charlotte – 48-20 to a seriously down Temple team? One more time: what are you doing up here and why don’t you go back to FCS? On the other hand, that 70-14 beatdown that Louisville gave you doesn’t look as bad after Florida State…never mind, it still looks awful.