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The Chaos Index, Week 3: Pacced Full Of Sadness

If the SEC is going to put two teams in the College Football Playoff, it’s going to need to have two Power 5 conference champions spend title season crying into their coffee. We already know the identity of one: the Mountain West, which, along with its Group of 5 bitch, the Pac-12, will not be playing in a bowl game of note this year. (This is particularly true since, with the Pac-12 champ playing in Pasadena on New Year’s, the Granddaddy Of Them All will not be a bowl game of note this season.)

Other than that, as weeks go, this was about as uninteresting a schedule as you get this time of year, what with all the excitement that happened when…when…uh, yeah, we don’t know either. So, with that, let’s move on to our weekly dose of disdain, which is – shock! – highlighted by…

 

  1. The Pac-12 – Pick your favorite P12 calamity: the amazing, resurgent trOJans of USC, whose New Savior got picked in overtime; the amazing collapsing supergeniuses of Stanford who got hospital-jobbed by Central Florida; Colorado, which followed up that big win over Nebraska by pratfalling against Air Force (but is there really any shame in losing to a superior conference?); the six ranked teams(!), all of them clustered near the bottom of the polls (except for Utah); or, you can just go with the team that played a roadie in their own arroyo and gave up something like 18 yards per play in the first half.
  2. UCLA – Give the Bruins credit for two things: (1) making Jalen Hurts play into the fourth quarter and (2) passing Tennessee as the most embarrassing program in college football at the moment.
  3. Florida State – That overtime win against Louisiana-Monroe is looking more and more like a fluke, isn’t it?
  4. Tennessee –  A win! Actually, a shutout, blowout win! Just make sure not to moc the opponent. Don’t look now, but Georgia State just lost to Western Michigan by the nailbiting score of 57-10.
  5. Georgia Tech – We’re not sure which loss was more embarrassing: The Citadel or Miami.
  6. USC – Pick your favorite L.A. newspaper headline: “Anatomy Of A Loss” or “Big Step Back.” Here’s the anatomy of y’all’s big step back: you totally overvalued that thrilling Stanford win and you’re playing a true freshman a quarterback. Here’s  our favorite line from the local fishwrapper: “[Clay Helton’s] program is in a death spiral and there is nothing he can do to stop it.” Fight on!
  7. Virginia Tech – It sure woulda been humiliating to lose at home to Furman. Holding on to beat them by a touchdown? Not that much better, now that you mention it.
  8. Stanford – If you’ve been paying attention – really paying attention – for the last few years, the Cardinal have looked like the This Is Fine dog, sitting in a burning room not worrying about the fire. One assumes that being down 38-7 at the half might have woken up somebody in Palo Alto. After all, they’re really smart over there. Aren’t they?
  9. Michigan State – Mark Dantonio’s done a lot of great stuff in East Lansing, but Sparty’s looking more and more like the Stanford of the Midwest every day, especially after losing to ASU.
  10. Purdue – And finally, we have the Boilers, who are looking like a mini-Michigan State at the moment and wondering if maybe just maybe they shoulda helped Jeff Brohm go home.
  11. ILLinois – If you’re wondering who history’s worst 2-1 team is, here’s your answer.
  12. Pitt – Lessee…down seven points to your rival with five minutes to go and it’s 4th and goal from the 1? Your quarterback is having a career day, so of course you…try a field goal? The Panthers got exactly what Pat Nardizzy deserved.
  13. UNLV – We still can’t figure out why the Rebs have a football program. Y’know, unless it’s to allow unpaid college football players to come to town and dine on a 99-cent shrimp cocktail or something.
  14. Colorado State – Remember when the Rams were a serious mid-major power? If not, they’ve kindly stuck the name of Sonny Lubick on their shack to remind you.
  15. Miami – See Tennessee.  Substitute Bethune–Cookman for UT-Chattanooga.
  16. Florida – We’re undefeated! We just lost our starting QB for the year!
  17. Syracuse – The Orange were Clemson’s trap game this year. No, seriously! So much for that, though if you’re looking for a sign that Clemson might Clemson this year, the Tigers couldn’t even pound the ‘Cuse as bad as Maryland did, and the Terps just got themselves blown up by Temple.
  18. North Carolina – A “non-conference” loss to Wake Forest that wasn’t nearly as close as the score makes it look? So ends the glorious tale of Mack Brown’s miracle comeback season in Chapel Hill. Oh, and so begins the tale of the ACC, which would look worse than the Pac-12 if it weren’t for Clemson.
  19. Boston College – Now, that looked like a Steve Addazio coached team getting blown off the field at home by 20-point dog Kansas on Friday night! Big ups for just being yourselves, Boring College! Speaking of KU…
  20. Kansas – We say it all the time: chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It was quite the treat to see The Chaosmaster himself, Les Miles, leading the Hawks to almost 500 yards of stunningly balanced offense on the road against an alleged Power 5 opponent. If they somehow get a single W against the run of West Virginia, TCU, Texas and Oklahoma, we’re nominating him for sainthood.

The Chaos Index, Week 2: It’s 2018 With A UT Chaser!

Ahh 2018, the Golden Era of College Football when the genius of Chip Kelly had returned to college football while the genius of Scott Frost had been elevated to major college football (sorry UCF), and the genius of Jim Harbaugh would finally be on display. Or not.

Two weeks into the 2019 go-round, we’re pretty much back to where we were 12 months ago with one little add-on that’s catapulted past the rest of the trainwrecks currently deserving of our mockery, so let’s get to the mocking. Cool with you, Vol Nation?

 

  1. Tennessee – There’s no shame in losing to BYU. There’s a poopload of shame in giving up a 68-yard play with :06 on the clock to set up the game-tying field goal at home before losing in overtime a week after having your world turned upside down by Georgia State who barely snuck by Furman at home this week. The good news is that the last time Big Orange started 0-2, they won a natty…ten years later. So, you’ve got that to look forward to, Vols.
  2. UCLA – Nice to see the Bruins lose to traditional power San Diego State for the first time in the history of life. Not sure exactly when Chip Kelly lost his mojo, but it’s gone, and next Saturday, Oklahoma’s coming for his very soul, so that’s going to be fun.
  3. Nebraska – Are the children of the corn still the trendy pick in the B1G West? Is ScoFro still a genius?
  4. Florida State – Congrats on the big one-point overtime win at home against Louisiana-Monroe! Even bigger congrats on only being a touchdown underdog to…Virginia.
  5. That Texas-Texas A&M Non-Rivalry Rivalry Renewal – Y’all both put up quite the fight, so big ups for that. That said, just assume that you’re the rivalry that no one outside of Texas cares if they ever see again.
  6. Michigan – Can you feel everything falling apart on Captain Khakis again this year? If not, the good people of Wisconsin will be delighted to give you the feels in two weeks.
  7. Virginia Tech – We like Justin Fuente, but if you can’t feel everything falling apart in Blacksburg after the Hokies barely squeaked by Old Dominion, just wait until they get to Notre Dame.
  8. Arkansas – Welcome to Fayetteville, home of the team that finishes 2019 last in the SEC West. Isn’t it nice to settle who gets the cellar in Week Two? Have fun with ‘Bama, LSU, Auburn, and TAMU, Hogs!
  9. Vanderbilt – Welcome to Nashville, where the big question is whether the clock runs out on Derek Mason in October, November, or December.
  10. Miami – If you’re old enough, watching the ‘Canes almost win again had to leave you hearing Maxwell Smart saying, “Missed it by that much!” in your head.
  11. Syracuse – So much for the return of the Orange. If we didn’t know any better, we’d think that wearing orange and playing college football just don’t mix. Unless you’re Clemson, of course.
  12. FAU – So much for the glorious Lane Kiffin era in Boca.
  13. FIU – So much for the second glorious Butch Davis era in Miami.
  14. USF – Charlie Strong deserves better. Sometimes we don’t get what we deserve.
  15. UMass – We’ll spare you the “mass of [expletive deleted]” comment and simply note that, if you’re getting blown off your home field by an FCS program, you probably belong in FCS (or Division 2), instead of trying to dine at the grownup table.
  16. UConn – On a similar note, if you’re getting handled at home by an FCS program like Illinois, you’re going to finish 1-11. Wouldn’t UConn-UMass make a smashing end-of-season rivalry game in the Northeast Conference?
  17. UNLV – If you’re getting blown off your soon-to-be-old-field by Arkansas State, perhaps you should just shut things down until the new field opens next year. Not that the football will be better, but the view will be. (Of course, the parking will suddenly be really expensive, so enjoy looking forward to that, Rebs.)
  18. Oregon State – Just four weeks until that exciting throwdown with UCLA in Pasadena! Given reduced attendance expectations, maybe the game should be moved from the Rose Bowl to Pasadena High.
  19. Kansas – How do you think the good folks at Coastal Carolina feel about beating a Power 5 program? Sorry Les, but it’s going to be a loooong haul in Lawrence.
  20. DBU – We’re sick of hearing about the blathering about DBU from, well, everybody who’s blathering about DBU. Special note to last week’s Austin combatants: if the final score of your game was 45-38 with 880 combined passing yards, maybe you want to put those DBU t-shirts away.