It was the week that order wasn’t quite restored in Michigan and the Pac-12 wasn’t quite on television. The auditions have already begun for openings at USC, USC, and Maryland (How ’bout that big Underarmour money!), and they’re going on a little more quietly in Blacksburg, Coral Gables, and maybe Eugene. And this week’s winner of Best Performance As George Jefferson (I’m movin’ on up!) is…Justin Fuente!
- Michigan – Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug. We promised khaki chaos when this game was done, but we didn’t say anything about whether they’d be bugging out in Ann Arbor, did we?
- Pac-12 – Congratulations, Larry Scott! You had an attractive lineup of games this week, every one of which started a little before midnight on the East Coast. Way to make sure that the ¾ of the country that lives in the Eastern and Central time zones never sees your product. It was especially impressive seeing your marquee game of the week start at 10:30pm Eastern…on a week night. Have you considered filling the desirable third-shift timeslot sometime soon? Speaking of your marquee game…
- UCLA – On the bright side, Bruins, at least those pesky Jim Mora To USC rumors should come to a screeching halt. On an actually cheery note, y’know those darts that Josh Rosen was throwing all over the yard on Thursday? The thought of where his game will be in ten months ought to be sending some shivers down West Coast spines about now.
- Boise State – On the bright side, Broncos, at least those pesky Bryan Harsin to USC rumors just came to an even screechier halt than the Jim Mora To USC rumors. On a marginally cherry note, you are now free to tie one in Boise on this New Year’s Eve (with a designated driver, of course), safe in the knowledge that you won’t need to do any tailgating on New Year’s Day.
- Memphis – Congratulations on a huge, program-defining victory, guys! You should be celebrating like crazy! Also, you should be avoiding the Christmas rush and forming a coaching search committee right about now. One more thing: someone in your graphic arts program might oughta start drawing up the “Please Paxton, don’t leave us!” billboards ASAP.
- United Airlines – Next roadie, maybe Oklahoma should just FedEx their players to wherever. Congratulations on allowing OU to fly the friendly tarmac for eight hours right before a key game, United! On the other hand, that yawnfest in the airport didn’t exactly wear down the Sooners, did it?
- USC – Not a shot at USC really, since this crap happens every week, but when you’re down two scores with two minutes to go and the ball inside your 10, why do you throw five- and ten-yard passes? And now a shot at USC: you have two unbelievable game breakers on offense, and you throw to your tight ends? As 3-1 turns into 3-4, the Trojans can take comfort in the fact that there will be no “Do we keep the interim coach?” drama this go-round. The only two things we’ll say about Pat Haden: (1) get well soon, Pat, and (2) when it rains, it pours.
- VaTech – Frank Beamer deserves to go out far better than this. So did Steve Spurrier. And while we’re at it, I deserve a raise and a new car. None of those things is going to happen, but they really should.
- Indiana – Every year, some team starts the season surprisingly well before experiencing a major crash and burn. Congratulations, Hoosiers! This year, it’s you! On the bright side, with Maryland and Purdue at the end of the year, you can still make a bad bowl game. Just close your eyes for the next few weeks while Iowa and the Michigan schools do their worst to you.
- Missouri – What took y’all so long, guys? It had been weeks since your last 9-6 ball game. Now that your SEC East run is done, here’s guessing that Maty Mauk’s suspension might also be coming to an end before things get even uglier. Said differently, after Vandy, we’re not sure where the sixth win comes from. Oh, and don’t worry – you’re not really the third-worst offensive team in the game. Take away the 76-spot that BC laid on Howard, and you’re only fourth-worst!
- The Brothers Petrino – Not sure what happened to the offensive genius that is Bobby, but it might be time for him to grab his motorsickle and go for a ride. As for Paul, Idaho doubled their expected win total for the season when they got number two! And all it took was 60 minutes of gagging by another FunBelt program. Suhweet!
- Washington – If not this year, U-Dub, then when? One wonders whether the denizens of Montlake are pondering the success of Dirk Koetter and Dan Hawkins at the P5 level about now.
- Iowa – More happy chaos, and really, who didn’t see this coming all along? Okay, shut up.
- Purdue – Sometimes it helps to make history, and Purdue is on track to have its worst season in program history. Okay, so 1-11 will only tie the worst season in program history. Which happened two years ago. Nevertheless, that year, the Boilers’ only win was over Indiana State, whereas this year, their only win is over…never mind. Now, about that coaching search in West Lafayette…
- Iowa State – Cyclones, think of yourselves as the Purdue of the Big 12. Well, without the occasional runs of success, the handful of conference championships, the Super Bowl quarterbacks, or pretty much any other redeeming value. No doubt, you’ll have no problems hiring a new coach this off-season. None whatsoever.
- Tulane / New Mexico State – You’re still there, right Green Wave/Aggies? Aren’t you? Okay, maybe not.
- Kansas – Congratulations on staying within two scores of Texas Tech! Speaking of whom, while there are no moral victories, there are immoral ones, and failure to drop a four-score beatdown on Kansas is, well, you know.
- Florida Atlantic – Oh Owls, if only you mattered. At least Carl Pellini added an ominous party atmosphere to the proceedings.
- Miami (Ohio) – Us football fans tend to mock futbol, but if this were soccer, the loser of a round robin between Miami, EMU, and UMass would be relegated to FCS. It’s hard to believe the Redhawks actually won the MAC five years ago. It’s harder to believe they’ll win three games this year.
- Central Florida – 0-12 with only Kansas keeping you from the bottom of the barrel, UCF? If VaTech can gently escort Frank Beamer out the door, perhaps your A.D. can find it within his heart to do likewise with George O’Leary.
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